Spiritside

A Path

Clearing a path and forging ahead.  Sometimes, the things in the way are there because of my own simple laziness.  Old and tired, I don't take the energy to move the debris off the path laid out before me and move forward toward Him.  Prideful, I don't ask for help, even from the One who promises and never lies.  I look at the work that must be done and feel overwhelmed before I've even begun.  And so the debris accumulates....

At times, the path to God seems so simple.  It's those times, the simple times, when I've fixed my eyes on Him alone and allowed everything else to work itself out.  And it always does. 

At times the path to God is confusing.  Am I doing this right?  Am I doing that wrong?  It's those times, those complicated times, when I've fixed my eyes on the circumstances, waiting for them to disappear, forgetting that it's not the lack of hard circumstances that make the path clear, but inviting Him on the journey with me.

Just Wondering

I have noticed a certain pattern in my life.  When life gets really busy, planning for a vacation on top of regular life busy, my time alone with God seems to be the thing that suffers the most.  When this happens. I find myself spitting out spiritual cliches without any real meaning, or starting to doubt.  Not God, but myself, my choices, the things that used to bring peace.  Of course!  How can anything bring peace when the only way to have any at all is to be in communication with Him?  Peace, at least for me, doesn't always come from doing right things versus wrong things, but from where I am standing in light of Him.  When I pull away, I am sad, lonely, angry.  All the things I'd be all the time had He not shed His grace on me. 

Getting back in the groove is hard sometimes.  Especially when the church I attend has become a difficult place to go and feel great about everything.  It's a time of questioning for me, and I'm anxious to be settled. 

So I guess what I'm endlessly posting about here is the fact that the cycle of regular time away with God is my peace, I haven't had it so I have none, I have none so everything feels funky, everything feels funky so I spin my wheels.....and on goes the cycle until I get on me knees again.  I wish someone would come up behind me and give me a good push!!!

And oh ya, I was just wondering if this happens to anyone else out there?

Thanks for listening!

Whose Responsibility Is It Anyway?

OK, this is the last time I shall refer to the events of the last few weeks regarding the discussions and situations at the girl's school and our church.  I mean this post not in the spirit of pick, pick, pick, but in true longing for Biblical truths that I can apply to my life, and as a result help my girls grow up spiritually.

The issue, is of course, being considered a stumbling block.  I am so tired of hearing that either I'm one for the way I look, the way I dress, the way I am, or that my teen is one because of her affections for Spencer, her boyfriend, (really just a good, close friend) since last summer. 

I'll tackle the issue of me first.  So much has come out in the last few weeks, once the ball started rolling, about who I am.  A friend of mine told me that her husband had a hard time having a conversation with me because he couldn't focus on my words because of how I was dressed.  I would like to take this time to say I am not, by any means, a "hottie", nor do I dress as one.  The thing that seems to be the topic of conversation, deliberation, controversy, quite frankly and with lots of humiliation, is that Iwear a  c cup.  Yes folks, gather round and stone me, I am not tiny chested.  This is the problem.  While at school or church, people have noticed, and I am now branded a "Stumbling Block".  I wear fun clothes, mostly v necked, and depending on the fit or size of my clothes my assets are either hidden or emphasized.  Yes, some cleavage has shown.  Not intentionally, never intentionally, but that doesn't seem to matter.  I don't own anything sexy in my wardrobe anyway, since as a stay at home mom I like to look my best but never really "dress up".  I wear mostly trendy jeans or skirts, and couple them with tanks and sweaters, or in the summer, just layered tanks.  That's it folks.  No corsets, no bra tops, tube tops, tight tees.  And come on, would I really dress like that to push a trash can around the lunch room?  NO NO NO!!! 

So here is what I have discovered.  When my friend informed me of her husband's inability to make eye contact because A) I was wearing makeup, and B) my shirt was v-necked I felt like such a bad person!  I took on all this guilt, and wanted to burn my clothes lest I cause anyone else to have impure thoughts.  Then she said something that completely changed my perspective.  "Flip it.  How would you feel if your husband came to you and said he had a hard time talking to person A because he found himself lusting?".  Well, I know how I'd feel.  I'd feel that my husband  better get a handle on his lust.  I don't care if person A is an insecure floozy trying to make men lust after her, it's HIS job to keep his lust under control.  There will always be temptations, and I'm pretty sure I read something in the Bible about self-control.  I'm also pretty sure it's there for a reason. 

Condensed version of daughter's situation.  No longer allowed to hug, hold hands or say I love you to Spencer, she was also informed by same person that she was being a "stumbling block" to him simply by being in his life.  Why?  Because she causes him to feel things and want things that he's not allowed to have, namely her.  She carried this around for awhile before finally breaking down under the weight of guilt of causing someone she loves to stumble.

OK, so here is the issue for me.  First of all, when the Bible refers to "stumbling blocks", is it not reflective of the non-believer's life, and our place as believers to not engage in behavior that could cause a person who is not decided to stumble no matter what we believe, such as the example given in the Bible regarding the consumption of meat?  If a person has Salvation, isn't it his/her responsibility to work out that salvation daily?  If every time my daughters, me, you, a Pastor, an actress, whoever, did something that caused a believer to have impure thoughts can the blame for that constantly be given to the other person?  I don't think so.  My daughter's very being causes Spencer to long to kiss her.  How can someones very being be wrong?  Now, I do very strongly believe that we have responsibilities before God to others.  Spencer has rules and like them or not my daughter needs to help him follow those rules.  If he is not allowed to hold hands than she needs to not tempt him into holding her hand.  But this is, to me, a different aspect of obedience than "being a stumbling block", something I never want to hear again.  Should I get a breast reduction simply because some believing men may be boob guys?  I dress as modestly as my figure allows, what the world does with that is up to them. 

To restate:  The issue of stumbling blocks is, as far as I've been taught, relational to a non believer, or one who is on the fence and watching or struggling with what they see in the life of a professing believer.  At the time it was written, as far as I understand, it was a directive to the church to not let personal choices become issues for others.  A directive of sacrifice that can still be applied, but not in the way my friends are using it.  For instance, there is a casino here on the island.  If my sister were here I'd probably not use it.  Why?  Because she herself is still not sure how gambling fits in to the whole of Christianity, and I would try my best to honor her as she figures it out.  If my silly nickle machine usage causes her confusion, than I have an obligation to be mindful of that, no matter my personal feelings about gambling.

So folks, if I'm wrong, I'm sorry.  But I am done carrying the guilt for this body, and know in my heart my motives.  I will not let myself or my child run around feeling like we need to apologize for the thoughts someone else has about either of us.  I cannot teach her to be responsible for her own thoughts while telling her someone elses are also her responsibility. 

Can we say "self control"?

Scared for the Church

Maybe it's just me, but every time I become involved with a particular church the things I see horrify me.  Maybe it's because I'm too aware.  Some go to church on Sundays, leave for the week and come back again on Sunday.  I don't have that luxury with my girls at the school that is our church.   The things I see, the gossip, the, yes, hypocrisy, especially the little societies that form in which membership seem required just to sit in a certain location all serve to remind me how fallen our world is.  And while I can say "I know this place, these people", others may not have that advantage.  Than what?  They come into a society where the pecking order is already established, and try to find a place if they choose to become involved, when the most important aspect of fellowship is learning the word.  Yes, and worship, but I can sing and worship and pray with friends and family anytime, but I can't get the level of teaching I desire unless I'm at church, being taught by someone who has either gone to school for or been blessed with the ability to know and share God's word.

It's not even the cliques that disturb me, because I'm sure people could look at me and some of my friends and say that we are the same way.  It's the absolute delight I've witnessed in the shutting out of someone that has made me sad.  Of course I have friends, of course there are some blogs  read daily and comment on as often as possible.  It's those friendships that motivate me to keep reading, to keep writing, even when I wonder if it's doing any good.  But I have and never will ignore somebody.  Whether they believe the way I do or not, I will not ignore someone simply because they aren't part of some little circle, than sit around in self righteous delight while others are wondering what they did so wrong. 

God said there are no men or women, no slave or master, no Jew or Gentile.  We are all the same in His eyes.  I have watched a dear sweet lady slowly transitioned from one level of believer to another, and the accompanying outcasting, simply because she has the courage to stand up and ask the hard questions.  Her questions are because of her love and desire to experience God, yet she chose something not on someone Else's program so bam, she's out.  How does this exemplify to a new believer or church visitor the unbiased love God carries for each and every one of us?  How does this help my friend, who loves God more than some at a nameless building who sit around cracking jokes about others simply because they feel so good about themselves they may forget that "there but for the grace of God go them". 

So yes, I'm scared, (and apparently a little angry!) for our church, the Christian church, as it creates elitists at the expense of others.

Now I need to add this.  I don't think it can be helped.  Where ever there are groups and cliques there will be those who feel injured our left out, and those who feel "part of" so therefore better than.  I watch with my nine year old all the way up to bridge clubs.  I pray that all who proclaim the love of Christ would have their hearts and minds set on the things that are of true value.  To those who are trying to find their places at new churches, as new or long time believers, I pray that we can grow up and not employ playground tactics for self grander, and remember what He says about loving our neighbors.

Reasons for my choice

I have spent all week doing only two things.  Recovering from food poisoning, with long lasting and painful accompanying symptoms, migraines especially, and somehow driving back and forth from my kids school, sometimes as  late as ten p.m.   The reason behind these late nights, Drama!!!!  These poor kids have been staying at school from 3:15 until ? just to prepare for this years production, "Give And Take".  While I have no idea how Colette and I have managed to drive so many hours at all hours dropping off kids during this time, I wouldn't have changed a thing.   I also had to be there at 5:30 last night for a 7:00 curtain, and was stationed backstage where it was my job to help actors get in and out of costume in a timely, orderly fashion.  They couldn't have done a better job! 

The play emphasized to me the reason my kids attend a private Christian school in an area where the public schools have such an amazing reputation.  I never began parenting with the thought of sending them anywhere but what our boundaries dictated, and I love the public school system and have great faith in it.  Call me naive, but I worked for it in L.A., and a more dedicated group of people I have yet to meet.

So what was the play about?  Giving.  Taking.  Consequences of both.  No amazing musical numbers, no expensive costumes or props.  Just the kids, using the resources available to them, telling tales of giving and taking.  Tales of selfish greed and selfless sacrifice, each demonstrating that whatever type of person you choose to be, others will be affected for better or worse.   The sad-est tale, "The Crane Wife", from Russia, told of how a Crane selflessly weaved her feathers into beautiful fabric for her greedy husband to sell, until she could no longer retain the strength to maintain her human form and flew away bare and bleeding.    In a Native American tale, an orphaned girl burns the only possession she has of her long lost family, a handmade doll,and scatters the ashes over the barren land to bring rain.  Though sad, she goes from being known as "The One Who Stands Alone" to "She Who Loves Her People".  There were a few others, mimed, funny, danced out.  All in all, for just a group of kids on a bare stage with few props it was astounding.

This is why.  These tales, which emphasize the importance of sacrifice, illustrate the reason.  This is why I pay when I can't really afford it, drive everyday while I watch the school bus come through my neighborhood, push a trashcan around when I could be watching General Hospital.  Christ is woven throughout every element of my daughters days.  They are moving through their routines, going to Bible class, having morning worship, attending Chapel, putting on plays, studying other cultures in relationship to our Creator without even comprehending they are being educated in a different way.  They grumble and complain, just like kids everywhere, but everything they are learning is framed in Christ's love, His sacrifice.  That is why.  I adore my kids more than anything , and giving them this Christian education by osmosis is by far the best thing I've ever done for them

I Didn't Go To Church Today, or Paranoia

Today I gave in to the humiliation shadowing me all week.

Today I lied, "I have a migraine, my loves", but what is hurting my head has no real term.  There is no pill to fix it. 

Today I pulled my wonderfully soft, down pillow over swollen eyes, and let the sent of Tide and Downey soothe my senses.  I left behind the ancient, hard blue chairs where I would have sat watching, not hearing a word outside of my thoughts.  What did he say, to whom did he say it?  I would have searched fiercely the eyes of all who shook my hand, hugged me in a caricature of intimacy to see if they knew.

Today I let the humiliation and paranoia win.  I will be my own prayer vigil today.  I will be my own worship band, my own Bible lesson, my own building. 

Today I will allow myself to crumble under judgment that is spoken aloud "in His love".  I will shove my needs for the body under the well worn rug of "in His love", and give myself this day of deconstruction and humiliation, which were not intentional, just side benefits of "in His love". 

I didn't go to church today. 

Mystery Solved, I'm a Harpy!

There are so many issues I could address in this one post.  First of all, the issue of conformity in the church vs. the freedom to be the people God, who I'm assuming created us differently on purpose, created us to be.  There is so much talk of "death to self", which I've always taken to mean death to the side of our flesh that would have us living totally selfishly, or the constant putting our own needs above others needs to a degree that we cause them harm, and lastly the desire we have to live independent of God.  I do not believe that we are supposed to ignore who we are created to be in order to be what someones definition of a "Christian" is.  That is one reason I left my old church.  I felt acceptance only when I fit in, never just for being myself.  So when it turned out that the issue the women from my daughter's school had with me had to do with my appearance, my manner of dressing and other things that had to do with me being me, I once again had that feeling of judgment for me being me.  Yes, I wear makeup,  Yes, I dress in a way I like, even if it's not "like other moms".  And yes, I like music that is not just Christian, enjoy movies, have my own views regardless of what the school says.  I encourage my girls to question what they are taught, because in the end they come to believe because they truly believe, not just because it's what they've been taught.  I've watched as they become strong spiritually because of their own hearts and beliefs.  It's rewarding to see, and I believe is what gives their beliefs the sticking power to handle the temptations they'll face.

What on earth gives someone the right to say it's a bad thing that I don't look like "the other moms"?  Why is that bad?  Am I supposed to look, act, think, the same as everyone else?  Conformity and judgment, issues that I've had to deal with all week.

The other is the issue of the responsibility of a believer to other believers.  I don't want to be a stumbling block for anyone.  So I guess I can change certain things in certain situations so as not be one, but if a person still has issues am I supposed to disappear from the face of the earth just to accommodate?  How much of my brother's keeper am I required to be, and am I supposed to give myself up?  I don't know.  These are issues that I haven't had to deal with in awhile because I'm finally plugged in again to a church/school, and there will always be those who find fault with something.  It's just so easy to not become involved and avoid this all together, but I know that that's not right for my kids. so I plug along. 

Thank you to everyone who prayed for me during this situation.  I was stressing over being confronted in this manner, yet afraid of leaving unresolved issues to fester and cause a problem with my worshiping.

Biblical Confrontation or Personality Issues?

Here's the problem:  I have had two good friends, parents of kids my teen goes to school with.  One goes to our Bible study, different church, the other our church and not our Bible study.  Both are amazing, wonderful moms and friends.  However, today I was told that they have something they need to talk to me about, and have committed to each other not to speak of it to me unless I agree to meet them when and where they say.  I literally begged to be given an inkling of what they were upset with me about, as I went through this after Lenny's death.  Everyone and their mother had an issue with how I was handling my grief.  Some worried I was letting it ruin my life, others worried that I wasn't expressing it enough.  Every time I was seen with a man, even a brother in law or pastor I was spoken too, so I am very anxious any time someone chooses to confront me with issues they have.  I expressed this, but to no avail.  So I said that my first reaction was no, that if she couldn't understand where I was coming from and talk to me a bit there and then that I was too uncomfortable to have some sit down confrontation.  Now, I was not in anyway saying that I wouldn't listen to their concerns, especially if they are Biblical, but that I don't do well in that setting, and could we please take that into consideration?  Her response was that they wanted to invite me over and "spring it on me", and that's why they didn't want me to have any knowledge before hand. 

Now I'm sorry, but as much as I would be open to whatever they have to say, I won't do it this way.  I won't be put in that situation after everything I've been through, and, quite honestly, if they are motivated by love, it seems to me they would want to address the issues however possible.  The other thing I have come to think, as I look back over the last few months, is that the issues they have are more about my personality.  I'm open, sarcastic, in a relationship that I don't talk to them about, so they don't know if he's saved, living here, whatever.  Also, I have talked to both women about relationships in general, and was honest about how I feel regarding sex, life, worry for myself and teenager.  Maybe I was to transparent and they are worried, but in the end one of the comments made and the way it was made had to do with my lack of participation in Bible study.  I signed up but don't go, mostly because I have chronic pain and getting up and out is stressful for an hour of talk.  That's why I do as much as I can on line, and never miss church unless I'm truly bedridden or one of the kids is sick.  Which is really rare.

Whatever their issues with me, do I have to do a powwow the way they dictate?  Am I given no choice because they are doing this "In His love"?  Do my feelings in this matter at all, or am I Biblically bound to avail myself?  Can it not be mutually agreed upon?  I don't know the answers, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  And I'm angry, because I felt treated like a child getting disciplined, not an adult "sister in Christ" being dealt with as such.  I don't want my anger to distract me if there is something I need to know, but right now, it is.

The Issue of Rent

So here lies the issue.  I have long since loved Rent.  I loved the play, I loved the soundtrack, and I am loving that the show is coming to town next month.  Just in time to live up to the promise of taking Jess for her birthday.  Since I saw the show a couple of years ago she and I have listened to the soundtrack endlessly.  At first I turned it off or down on the songs with four letter words, or lied to her when she asked about the meaning of some of the words like bisexual, aids, etc.  She was and is young, so does her sweet little head need to be filled with issues like that?  No. 

But I am taking her to see it at the Warner Theater, and here is the reason.  The show does deal with Aids, homosexuality, differences, but overall, it deals with love.   It does not mean that we have to judge this lifestyle, or that I'm trying to force her to tolerate something she may or may not find tolerance for in her own life.  But I am taking her to see it.  I do not believe that she will forgo her value system just because she sees a show.   And she has been enjoying the soundtrack, the meaning of the words in the soundtrack, for long enough.  It's a heavy show, but I'm taking her.

I have gotten a lot of flack for this choice, but I have faith in her.  Many have said that I'm forcing her to deal with something she's not ready, but watching a show that raises awarness, maybe helps put some of her own life in perspective, and one to which she's loved the music too for years is something we both are looking forward to.  The thing is, the show does not celebrate "sin", it celebrates love, the differences that we all have to face whatever we believe, and brings to light the human side of these issues.  She may deem the actions sinful, but she will see that they are portraying people who are just people.  I don't want to raise her to judge, but I also don't want to raise her to accept things that she views as wrong.  I guess my long winded point is that the show deals with hard topics, and I want to her to be able to enjoy theater, music, life, and not have her beliefs either be at risk or have her turn into some judgemental person who has no understanding of human nature, therefore missing out on the things she could really enjoy through the filter of God's word. 

If you feel the need to pray for us, to pray for protection over our minds and spirits, I gladly accept that.  But I for one cannot wait to sing, clap, dance, enjoy and share something that I've enjoyed for so long with my baby, err, teenager.

What If....

What if there were no rewards, for lack of a better term, for doing the right thing? 

Recently I had a chance to choose between my own selfish desires and the choice that would be considered "right".  When I made the choice, it was more difficult than I would have ever imagined.  I was sacrificing the gratification that would have come right away for an elusive feeling of knowing that I wasn't sinning.  A friend kept telling me "God will reward your obedience", but in truth that didn't mean anything, so huge the pull toward what I wanted.  I would have to say honestly that I did not choose the right path because of any promise, but because I wanted to be able to have a clear conscience before God, and it was the kind of situation that could only lead to pain. 

Well I will say this.  God did indeed give me peace after I followed through, it didn't come immediately, and that peace has allowed me to stay strong in the hour of temptation, and that is the reward.  I didn't win the lottery, I didn't find true love, but I did discover peace.

Now, that peace is the kind that surpasses understanding.  I know this because I have had no desire for what I gave up.  At first I missed it with such a strong sense of loss I wept, but now, the knowledge that being obedient is better than anything else I could have wanted. 

Except with or without that peace, I long to think I'd still have made the right choice.  Not that I would have had the strength, I'm not talking about that, but that my love for God, my desire to be pleasing to Him, would be enough to cause obedience.  I don't know, being right with God is a reward.  Whatever else He bestows my way, I never want that to be my motivation for doing the thing He'd want me to do.

Again, I loose my thought in a jumble of words, but my prayer is that my obedience will always be independent of His rewards and based on love, His for me, mine for Him.