Spiritside

so it's been awhile....

Kids and I have been sick.  You know what that's like, they need you but you feel so crappy that getting to them takes all the energy you don't have, and then you pass out cold for ten minutes until they need you again.  And on it goes until at last someone feels well enough to go to school.  Yea!  Today is that day.  Not one, but two children in school, and me on the cusp of an event that hasn't happened since biological warfare entered our home, a shower with no interruptions, and a MOVIE!!!  Yep, as soon as I finish here I'm off to a movie, to sit in the quiet darkness, cool and in good company, to loose myself for approximately 99 minutes.

However, first I must post.  And the thoughts that run through my head lately are of the "mysteries of God" sort.  And, sadly, the "where is the love of God" sort as well.  I miss Him.  I mean that in the sense that lately I've heard so much about how to be a Christian, and so little about His love.  I am not putting down church, and I adore ours and the people.  But I see people become so focused on rules that the grace of God sort of gets lost in the mix.  Though I am in the middle of doing a sort of series regarding this topic, I will touch on it briefly for a moment.  I do not believe that when I am living from my heart I am outside the will of God.  I do not think I'm a good person outside the of  Holy Spirit, but I do not see dying to self the way many of my peers do.  There are a lot of phrases, words and thoughts from God's word that I have heard teaching on that cause me to question, and I don't believe it's wrong to question.  I have a dear friend who comes from a life of such sin when God rescued her she was overwhelmed with gratitude.  In that gratitude she set up a list of rules that no one could live up to.  She needed this for herself to make herself feel like she was living right.  Once she believed though she had done everything that needed to be done.  I'm not talking about continuing a life of sin while proclaiming salvation, I'm talking about remembering those verses that teach us that it is by grace alone we are saved, so that no man can boast.  I'm fatigued of teachings that detract from this point.  I'm saddened by those who tell me I'm wrong because I question, because I want to have a relationship with God that isn't based on a rule list but our hearts.  His and mine.  I don't believe my heart is a wicked thing because I have given it to Him.  He created it.  I don't turn away from my heart's desires because I believe He placed them there.  I don't desire to live a sinful life because His Holy Spirit is right there, letting me know when I've gossiped, when I've lusted and when I've strayed from Him.  I'm not claiming perfection, I'm not claiming sinlessness, I'm claiming Him.  I'm claiming the new person I am because of Him, and the forgiveness and righteousness I have in Him.  That, in all it's mystery, is why I embrace myself.   Yes, I sin, but I am forgiven.  He created me, loves me, lives in me.  I guess I feel my job is to let Him.  I don't know if there is some grand will for me, for everyone.  That is one of those questions I'm enjoying seeking out.  I do know that it is His will for all to be saved, and maybe that's enough.  At least for now, maybe just living out my salvation is His only will for me, and whatever else comes from that He will use the way He sees fit. 

Back to the love point.  I wonder if we're missing something.  We sit at church Sunday after Sunday, serve, tithe, sing.  But when we're looking around and wondering if that person is really giving a full ten percent, or if that person really believes the way I do, or hearing from the pulpit how we are supposed to live, I wonder if we're remembering that God's love is bigger than any of this.  Am I?  His love is bigger, His act of Salvation was done because we can't earn our way to Him, we can't give enough, live right enough, love enough.  Everything He did was because He loves us, and will love us even in our ugliest hours.  I can live by a set of rules and never appear to the outside world to be the mess that I truly am, but I'd rather use that mess to say "look, look at how screwed up I am and yet He loves me.". 

Well I've read this, and it is across the board.  I'm sure the number of hours I've been deprived of sleep, coupled with the number of NyQuil's I've taken have something to do with that.  But I don't care.  These are the true thoughts on my heart, so I shall publish away....

Whose Responsibility Is It Anyway?

OK, this is the last time I shall refer to the events of the last few weeks regarding the discussions and situations at the girl's school and our church.  I mean this post not in the spirit of pick, pick, pick, but in true longing for Biblical truths that I can apply to my life, and as a result help my girls grow up spiritually.

The issue, is of course, being considered a stumbling block.  I am so tired of hearing that either I'm one for the way I look, the way I dress, the way I am, or that my teen is one because of her affections for Spencer, her boyfriend, (really just a good, close friend) since last summer. 

I'll tackle the issue of me first.  So much has come out in the last few weeks, once the ball started rolling, about who I am.  A friend of mine told me that her husband had a hard time having a conversation with me because he couldn't focus on my words because of how I was dressed.  I would like to take this time to say I am not, by any means, a "hottie", nor do I dress as one.  The thing that seems to be the topic of conversation, deliberation, controversy, quite frankly and with lots of humiliation, is that Iwear a  c cup.  Yes folks, gather round and stone me, I am not tiny chested.  This is the problem.  While at school or church, people have noticed, and I am now branded a "Stumbling Block".  I wear fun clothes, mostly v necked, and depending on the fit or size of my clothes my assets are either hidden or emphasized.  Yes, some cleavage has shown.  Not intentionally, never intentionally, but that doesn't seem to matter.  I don't own anything sexy in my wardrobe anyway, since as a stay at home mom I like to look my best but never really "dress up".  I wear mostly trendy jeans or skirts, and couple them with tanks and sweaters, or in the summer, just layered tanks.  That's it folks.  No corsets, no bra tops, tube tops, tight tees.  And come on, would I really dress like that to push a trash can around the lunch room?  NO NO NO!!! 

So here is what I have discovered.  When my friend informed me of her husband's inability to make eye contact because A) I was wearing makeup, and B) my shirt was v-necked I felt like such a bad person!  I took on all this guilt, and wanted to burn my clothes lest I cause anyone else to have impure thoughts.  Then she said something that completely changed my perspective.  "Flip it.  How would you feel if your husband came to you and said he had a hard time talking to person A because he found himself lusting?".  Well, I know how I'd feel.  I'd feel that my husband  better get a handle on his lust.  I don't care if person A is an insecure floozy trying to make men lust after her, it's HIS job to keep his lust under control.  There will always be temptations, and I'm pretty sure I read something in the Bible about self-control.  I'm also pretty sure it's there for a reason. 

Condensed version of daughter's situation.  No longer allowed to hug, hold hands or say I love you to Spencer, she was also informed by same person that she was being a "stumbling block" to him simply by being in his life.  Why?  Because she causes him to feel things and want things that he's not allowed to have, namely her.  She carried this around for awhile before finally breaking down under the weight of guilt of causing someone she loves to stumble.

OK, so here is the issue for me.  First of all, when the Bible refers to "stumbling blocks", is it not reflective of the non-believer's life, and our place as believers to not engage in behavior that could cause a person who is not decided to stumble no matter what we believe, such as the example given in the Bible regarding the consumption of meat?  If a person has Salvation, isn't it his/her responsibility to work out that salvation daily?  If every time my daughters, me, you, a Pastor, an actress, whoever, did something that caused a believer to have impure thoughts can the blame for that constantly be given to the other person?  I don't think so.  My daughter's very being causes Spencer to long to kiss her.  How can someones very being be wrong?  Now, I do very strongly believe that we have responsibilities before God to others.  Spencer has rules and like them or not my daughter needs to help him follow those rules.  If he is not allowed to hold hands than she needs to not tempt him into holding her hand.  But this is, to me, a different aspect of obedience than "being a stumbling block", something I never want to hear again.  Should I get a breast reduction simply because some believing men may be boob guys?  I dress as modestly as my figure allows, what the world does with that is up to them. 

To restate:  The issue of stumbling blocks is, as far as I've been taught, relational to a non believer, or one who is on the fence and watching or struggling with what they see in the life of a professing believer.  At the time it was written, as far as I understand, it was a directive to the church to not let personal choices become issues for others.  A directive of sacrifice that can still be applied, but not in the way my friends are using it.  For instance, there is a casino here on the island.  If my sister were here I'd probably not use it.  Why?  Because she herself is still not sure how gambling fits in to the whole of Christianity, and I would try my best to honor her as she figures it out.  If my silly nickle machine usage causes her confusion, than I have an obligation to be mindful of that, no matter my personal feelings about gambling.

So folks, if I'm wrong, I'm sorry.  But I am done carrying the guilt for this body, and know in my heart my motives.  I will not let myself or my child run around feeling like we need to apologize for the thoughts someone else has about either of us.  I cannot teach her to be responsible for her own thoughts while telling her someone elses are also her responsibility. 

Can we say "self control"?

What I Think I Want

It's easy to feel sorry for myself.  I've had a lot of loss in my life, and I've had to deal with some situations that have reduced me.  Each time I've thought "no more Lord, I can't".  When I had a still birth I thought that was the most horrific pain my heart would ever endure.  I was wrong. 

I was praying, talking, crying with some very transparent friends last night, and as we spoke I wondered how they knew.  How did they know I was so down.  I always put on a happy face, I never sob like that in front of my youngest, yet it all happened so quickly, this transition from one mom picking up her child at another home to three adults sitting in the living room pouring out their souls to each other.  I thought I had some right to hope for more than I have right now.  I want my old life back, my lost husband back, the new man in my life to be different.  I have not put any of the pain to rest.  I felt so sad as I stood there realizing that not once did I seek God.  I've prayed, gone to church, done Bible study, but I have not allowed Him to love me enough to help me.   I haven't sought HIM.  He knows, He sees the struggles that I have.  My friends very lovingly kept saying "you can't give up hope, you can't be hopeless, you have to trust God".  I want to.  I hate that my faith is so weak, even though I understand why it is.  How could it not be tested after so much?  All this time I thought I knew what I wanted, in the blink of an eye it's all changed, because all I want now is my life with God back.  I don't care if I ever go to church again, corporately pray, give to missions, I just want my heart to be His and only His, and allow Him to give me what I need, instead of seeking my joy from other sources that will never heal my heart.  I love a man, his family, his children, and I have wanted that to fill me.  The man I love now does not seek Christ, and I don't know if he ever will.  I have turned to him to join with me in those things of the Spirit, but he cannot.  He doesn't know the Spirit.  But I do. 

Now I know all the people saying "Do not be unequally yoked", and I'm not denying those words in the Bible, and the fact that in the year I've been seeking a deeper relationship with Chris and not able to attain it because we are not even close to on the same page spiritually prove why those words ring true.  Instead of wishing he'd be different I just want his salvation.  I want him to know the God that loves him no matter what, to experience what it feels like to know that God is good.  And  I guess that's what I want anyone who may be reading these words right now to know.  The same God who allowed my to have a still birth, who allowed my husband and father of my babies to perish in a terrorist attack is GOOD.  He is a great and amazing lover of humanity, no matter what trials I go through, or you are going through, He is Good. 

How I pray to want more of Him again.  I want everyday to remember that what ever happens with Chris, my kids, me, I only want Him.

My Reflection

I've thought a lot lately about what I believe is the sourse of my worth, what and where my worth is.  I was a good wife before, that identity gave me a great feeling of worthiness.  I tried to be a good mother, I tried to do everything right.  Gymboree, play-dates, keeping them safe.  I dappled in writing but only showed my husband.  If he liked it I assumed it was good, and again the feeling of being worthy would flow.  The kind words, security, conpliments and pride my husband lavished on me were the first loving things another person ever gave me, so, because he loved me, I figured there must be something to love. 

He's gone now, the kind words, the security, the compliments.  All of that is remembered, but nothing new can be added to the pot, and so I wonder, where does my worth lie?  I'm no longer a good wife, and whatever I may do, I have no way of knowing right now if I am good at parenting.  From this point on I see signs in my children that they have morals, values, faith, intelligence, but not much of that is from my daily influence anymore.  They are older, past the days of car seats and learning manners.  They are great kids, but because of who God created them to be.  Their personalities are blooming, and I may have had a hand in the manners department, but every parent knows and sees the things in their kids that are "just the way they are".

So who am I?  Who values me?  Who believes in me the way my husband did?  No family alive, no friends from the old neighborhood, since my old neighborhood is 3000 miles west of here, some new friends, yes, and a church family, but all that's really recent, there isn't that sense of having been known forever and loved anyway.  Except for One.  The One.  When this hit me it hit me really hard.  I am the daughter of the One True God!  Growing up in a single parent home, alcholic mother and no contact with my father, to think that I'm adopted by The One, it blows my mind.  Why?  Why would this God want a thing to do with me, let alone an eternity?  Because He desires all to be saved, yes, but beyond that He has pursued me, and I've needed to be pursued.  He has liberated me from the beliefs that if I try hard enough, give more, allow the world to have it's way with me than I can be.  There is so much I don't understand about His love for me, but I know that my mother, and hers, my sister as well have always turned their backs on their own hearts to gain love.  How amazing that with God I don't have to.  I prayed earnestly when my now, as of today, teenager was a baby that God would free HER from my family's legacy of people pleasing, pleasing because there was no understanding that they were worth more than being someone's whipping boy.  I watch daily as He frees US from this legacy.  There are still times when I see myself or one of my girls taking the back seat, giving up a piece of themselves for another.  But it is not because we think that is all we deserve, it's because we know we deserve so much less than Christ has bestowed on us, and for Him to give so lavishly to us how can we not want to bless others.  That is a very different origin.

So no, my husband is no longer here to give me my worth, and my children are children and shouldn't be burdened by my neediness.  It's taken a lot of agony to finally see where my worth is, and I pray that in my humanity I never loose sight of who I am in Him.

Praying for an Enemy

I have discovered something about people and obedience.  It just doesn't seem to matter what someone is told do, human nature dictates that we either avoid or rebel.  Yes, I am the mom of a teen, so maybe it's just the experiences I'm having currently that have caused me to pause and reflect on the principle of obeying.  But I also know that we long to be masters of our own selves, and when someone, even someone we love dearly, tells us what to do it can make us feel as though we are loosing that ability.  I know I always want what I want when I want it.  I'm no different than my teen in that regard.  If I want to do something I will. 

Of course, as a parent, I have put in place rules that I expect my kids to follow.  And every single one of those rules has a purpose to do with their well being.  Clean up before games and computer, responsibility.  Respecting others, teaching them to respect themselves as well as value other and themselves.  Not going outside when I'm not home, or not talking to strangers, and most especially not giving personal information on the computer, their safety.  Going to bed at a decent time, eating well, exercise, showering, all things designed for their health and well being.  They don't always see it that way.  In fact, they always have the same reaction to information they hear every single day.  Man.  Not just "man" but a long, whining, drawn out "Mmmaaaaannnnn!".  It's as if they never heard that they have to do their homework first before!

Obedience gets really tricky for me when I know God needs me to do something, yet I don't want to.  I know where my kids get that whining "man" thing from.  I'm not very legalistic in my approach to God.  Not to say I don't long to serve, to obey, but that I don't believe His love for me is conditional on anything I can do.  I love Him, I adore the Jesus I've come to know.  That is why I long to do what He says.  And I don't set up many spiritual rules for myself.  By that I mean that since Lenny's death, adding the pressure of trying to live up to my old expectations for myself would probably do me in.  If I can't get up and spend the time I used to in study, if I don't serve at my church the way I used to, I believe I still honor Him by the choices I make and the way live. 

So ok.  Praying for our enemies.  Here is the amazing beauty.  I have an "enemy".  Before I say another word I do want to add that I know just like my rules for my kids, God's directive are only for our benefit.  He is God, and whether or not we obey He is still God.  His wish for our best is the reason for what's written in that amazing Bible.  I don't for one minute pretend to know why He would care so deeply for us, but I revel in it.  Knowing all that did not make praying for this person one bit easier.  She is mean spirited and has said and done horrid things that my kids have also had to deal with.  She used me in a way, I let her use me in a way, that has had huge negative ramifications for my family.  She's Superior, self-centered to the point of neglecting her own child for a man twenty years her junior, and well, once I set up some healthier boundaries, and began to share the gospel with her, that was that.  The kicker I think, was when after a couple of miscarriages she still kept trying to get pregnant.  Because she was bored.  That's what she said.  After that I could not stay quiet, and that's when I became the "bitch".  I shared with her Psalm 139, I talked to her about mentoring, a subject near and dear to me.  She was still the wronged person.  I haven't talked negatively about her to a soul.  Even writing these words I feel hypocritical because I sound so stinking judgmental, and it's so clear she needs God, healing, His power.  Anyway, after the friendship ended and she began to do and say some things that caused a great deal of harm I began to fantasize about retaliation!  I did.  I harbored my anger, didn't let it get to far from me.  I didn't tell anyone, but I would think it.  I would think the worse possible things.  Until one day at church, right before communion, the Pastor asked what's been on our minds of late.  As if he spoke directly to me he asked if there were any lost souls we needed to pray for.  Any unfinished business that needed finishing before we partook.  Her face filled my mind, and I began right then to pray for her.  And for myself, confession.  Now every time I feel that anger and resentment flow to the surface, which it does as things she says and does against me trickle into my circle, I begin praying earnestly for her and I swear, I honestly swear that the minute I begin to pray I feel nothing but sadness for her.  No anger, hatred, nothing I feel ashamed of.  Just this overwhelming sadness and a sense of being stuck, because she is stuck.  I began longing for her salvation instead of longing to get even. 

I can't say that I'm praying for all who have ever wronged me.  I do try, but I believe God will bring me to the places I need to be before I can sincerely pray for those who took my husband's life, along with 3000 others.  But I have seen Him work, and in that I take great rest.