Spiritside

Then Again, Maybe I Am.....

Chicken Soup.  Not only can you eat it, but it's a great book series, with a book or two for just about every situation.  The ones my daughter has are Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover's Soul, 1and 2, and Chicken Soup for the Pre-Teen Soul, and of course for the Teenage Soul.

Chicken Soup for the Single Parent.  That's the one I've been tearfully reading.  I picked it up because I'm feeling as though every one in the world has this down but me.  I'm not good at this parenting alone thing.  In it are stories of pain and struggle.  Most have endings that while aren't really happy remind me that it can done.  Trials overcome.  Sometimes I feel worse after reading a few because I don't feel like I've done as well as I should have.  I don't feel like I'm where I should be after four years.  If the human spirit is resilliant than whyI am not? 

But then I pause.  My husband died in the worst terrorist attack on U.S soil.  I had been married and a house wife for 13 years, not working once my first baby came along.  He handled all the finances, home improvements, investments, IRA.  Right after his death I had so many details to see to.  Yet I still mourned with my children.  I went to Social Security to get their benefits started.  Worker's Comp had to start as well since he was traveling for work.  There was insurance money to invest, a retirment account to roll over.  After about a year I made the choice to move.  For one thing, the house was thirty years old and i just couldn't keep it up.  For another, we waited daily starting around 5:30 for him to arrive home from work.  Every night he didn't was a stab to the heart.  It was clear that though I wanted to keep as much the same for my girls as possible the house was never going to help us heal.  Many told me I acted hastily, that I was making a mistake.  His mom was so angry she sent back my birthday gift to her, a pair of earings with both her birthstone and his.  Another stab. 

I found a community not far from our old one.  Fixed up my home and sold it, and built a new one so that I would have a warrenty for protection against any problems.  I made sure my girls stayed in touch with their friends, and sometimes spent more time driving to pick up and drop off their friends then anything else.  Most wouldn't come out "this far".  Ten miles.  PLEASE!!!  In the last year I've sought help for the three of us, both medical and emotional, and have tried with all my might to go on as a family even though we are missing a vital element of that family.

With 9/11 came complications that I could never have forseen.  For example, I couldn't have a funeral until the government released his body.  Daily I waited for that call.  The first set of death certificates arrived that would allow me to recieve my benefits came back as "Divorced".  Not just a complication but  heartbreaking!  Through it all my daughter's got to school, did homework, played with friends, went to horseback riding and art. 

There have been no huge accomplishments to speak of like in the book.  I'm not now practicing medicine, or teaching, or finishing my degree for some new path.  But I am surviving.  I'm growing.  I'm doing things I never thought I could.  So ya, maybe I am like the women in the book.  And my story is not finished yet........

Do You Know?

Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.  2 Cor 5:1

What I hope my husband knows as he dwells in his eternal home.  That every moment he held my hand prepared me to hold the hands of our daughters as they miss their daddy. 

He was the great love of my life.  I treasured every moment we had, and still don't know what I did right to be blessed with his love for me.

I forgive him for not painting the kitchen the color I wanted.  I wish I hadn't made such an issue of the things that seemed so unfair.  My resentment was because of my smallness, not his inequity.

If I had known that any choice I had made was pulling me away from you I would have turned and ran the other way.   

I want you to know that I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you died.  I hate that you died on an airplane at the hands of hatred.  You, a man so full of love for life, for our children, for me.  There is a part of me, even knowing it would be the end of this life, that wishes I was with you that day.  You were always there for me when I needed you, and I wish I could have held you in that moment in time, your last moment. 

I want you to know that I forgive you for not calling me to say goodbye, the way others did.  I believe in the depths of my heart that you would not do that to me.  It's hard, because in not calling me you took away my chance to tell you one more time how much I love you.  Did you understand that it was the end of your life? 

There are so many more things I hope you know, but the depth of grief I feel as I think on these things threatens to choke me, and I have children to tuck in. Tonight I don't want them to see my tears.

Lord, help me to have peace about my husband's last moments.  Help me to know that he now dwells with you in an eternal house prepared for him, me, our children.  Father forgive me when I surrender to the anger and wish for retaliation against the lost whose actions robbed us of  such an amazing man.  And if there be any way, allow me to see that he knows these things.