Last night I had a dream. In this dream, Lenny was in a room with a closed door. We had a conversation, and I could hear his voice so loud and clear, just the way I remembered it. Deep and strong, yet soft. Always soft. He was a soft spoken man.
As we were talking, I knew I wasn't going to be allowed to open the door and see him, which is what my heart really wanted. None the less we talked about the kids, my sadness at having to live without him. He even told me that I needed to get the work done on the side of the house this spring. He talked about current things, but not anything about him. I wanted to ask a lot of questions, but again the knowledge that I wouldn't be able to prevented me from even going there. I missed him, as we talked this overwhelming feeling of missing him was always running through me. But, there was also peace. He had peace in his voice, and so I felt it too. When I awoke, I ran to the bedroom door, but of course there was just a closed door with no one and nothing on the other side. I know it was just a dream.
There have been a few times when I've dreamed about him, felt him, could swear I've touched him. These times always come when I am at my worst emotionally. Though I have complete peace about his salvation, there are times when I miss him with such power that I feel broken. The last time I had an experience like this (and I know this is going to sound weird and unbelievable) I felt his peace flow through me, something different than I had ever felt before. It changed the tears I was crying from pain to joy. After, as I was sitting on my bed, the air was filled with the smell of his cologne. However freaky, whatever tricks my mind was playing, I don't care. I needed peace, and it was provided.
Dreaming about a lost loved one is so bitter-sweet. I mean really bitter-sweet. Those first few moments when you wake up are just like those early days, when you have to remind yourself that your reality is forever changed before you get out of bed. I spent many mornings waiting for the truth to establish itself in my brain before going into my kids or hitting the shower. That feeling happens when I dream of Lenny. But it's a small price to pay.
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