Kids and I have been sick. You know what that's like, they need you but you feel so crappy that getting to them takes all the energy you don't have, and then you pass out cold for ten minutes until they need you again. And on it goes until at last someone feels well enough to go to school. Yea! Today is that day. Not one, but two children in school, and me on the cusp of an event that hasn't happened since biological warfare entered our home, a shower with no interruptions, and a MOVIE!!! Yep, as soon as I finish here I'm off to a movie, to sit in the quiet darkness, cool and in good company, to loose myself for approximately 99 minutes.
However, first I must post. And the thoughts that run through my head lately are of the "mysteries of God" sort. And, sadly, the "where is the love of God" sort as well. I miss Him. I mean that in the sense that lately I've heard so much about how to be a Christian, and so little about His love. I am not putting down church, and I adore ours and the people. But I see people become so focused on rules that the grace of God sort of gets lost in the mix. Though I am in the middle of doing a sort of series regarding this topic, I will touch on it briefly for a moment. I do not believe that when I am living from my heart I am outside the will of God. I do not think I'm a good person outside the of Holy Spirit, but I do not see dying to self the way many of my peers do. There are a lot of phrases, words and thoughts from God's word that I have heard teaching on that cause me to question, and I don't believe it's wrong to question. I have a dear friend who comes from a life of such sin when God rescued her she was overwhelmed with gratitude. In that gratitude she set up a list of rules that no one could live up to. She needed this for herself to make herself feel like she was living right. Once she believed though she had done everything that needed to be done. I'm not talking about continuing a life of sin while proclaiming salvation, I'm talking about remembering those verses that teach us that it is by grace alone we are saved, so that no man can boast. I'm fatigued of teachings that detract from this point. I'm saddened by those who tell me I'm wrong because I question, because I want to have a relationship with God that isn't based on a rule list but our hearts. His and mine. I don't believe my heart is a wicked thing because I have given it to Him. He created it. I don't turn away from my heart's desires because I believe He placed them there. I don't desire to live a sinful life because His Holy Spirit is right there, letting me know when I've gossiped, when I've lusted and when I've strayed from Him. I'm not claiming perfection, I'm not claiming sinlessness, I'm claiming Him. I'm claiming the new person I am because of Him, and the forgiveness and righteousness I have in Him. That, in all it's mystery, is why I embrace myself. Yes, I sin, but I am forgiven. He created me, loves me, lives in me. I guess I feel my job is to let Him. I don't know if there is some grand will for me, for everyone. That is one of those questions I'm enjoying seeking out. I do know that it is His will for all to be saved, and maybe that's enough. At least for now, maybe just living out my salvation is His only will for me, and whatever else comes from that He will use the way He sees fit.
Back to the love point. I wonder if we're missing something. We sit at church Sunday after Sunday, serve, tithe, sing. But when we're looking around and wondering if that person is really giving a full ten percent, or if that person really believes the way I do, or hearing from the pulpit how we are supposed to live, I wonder if we're remembering that God's love is bigger than any of this. Am I? His love is bigger, His act of Salvation was done because we can't earn our way to Him, we can't give enough, live right enough, love enough. Everything He did was because He loves us, and will love us even in our ugliest hours. I can live by a set of rules and never appear to the outside world to be the mess that I truly am, but I'd rather use that mess to say "look, look at how screwed up I am and yet He loves me.".
Well I've read this, and it is across the board. I'm sure the number of hours I've been deprived of sleep, coupled with the number of NyQuil's I've taken have something to do with that. But I don't care. These are the true thoughts on my heart, so I shall publish away....
"I can live by a set of rules and never appear to the outside world to be the mess that I truly am, but I'd rather use that mess to say "look, look at how screwed up I am and yet He loves me."
So often in my struggle to live this journey I have wandered into the lie that if only I followed a set of rules I could live with myself. And occasionally I still want to go looking for the list. But more often I am in awe of how much I am loved in spite of myself.
Thank you for putting these words down - I needed to read them today.
Posted by: Hope | May 12, 2006 at 01:46 PM