Spiritside

Spiritual Need

There are times when we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we need spiritual healing.  I know that about myself right now.  It is not about church, or rules, or "Christians", but about connecting with the Spirit of God and dealing with nothing else.  I long for that. 

I don't know why I slip so easily into the role of "Christian", and during those times He is not what I am focusing on.  I'm focusing on how I look to the right people so I don't get in trouble again, if I'm saying the right things, appearing in a way that shouts "I am a good believer".  Why is it, for me, the two don't go together.  Being Christian is not about anything other than His love, so why can't I fight the other stuff, the stuff that has nothing to do with Him?  The times I feel so in love with Him are the times when I've actually been away from my church for a bit.  It is in those moments when I feel free enough to sing to Him, dance before Him, and not feel judged for how I look.  I don't understand why I'm so self concerned at church.  I caught myself this last week, singing loudly, moving from side to side as I sang about His love.  I caught myself because I felt the eyes of those next to me on me.  Like a teen caught making an ass of herself at a concert I stopped right in my tracks.  It took all my strength not sing like that again.  Should I care?  Of course not, yet how uncomfortable I was to find an entire family starring at me! 

I only need Him right now!  Relationship.  I know we all need fellowship and teaching and communal worship, so I'm not negating that.  I'm saying for me, I need His Spirit touching mine, reminding me what this walk is truly about.

Truth

Thoughts inspired by a loving soul who is braver than anyone I know. 

If you knew the truth, would you still love me?  If you knew the thoughts that are in my head? 

If I said I didn't know what I believed, would I still be welcome?  If I didn't go to Bible study, or church suppers, would I still be the same person in your eyes?

If you knew that I lived "in sin" before I was married, and didn't consider it "sin", would I suddenly become "not the person you thought I was"? 

Do you see me?  The real me, the one who listens to secular music as well as hymns, the one who loves the Bible and yet reads "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"?  I am both of these people.  I love "Rent", even took my daughter to see it to raise her awareness.  Would you judge me because I am not afraid of what is in the world?  Is it wrong to acknowledge that those with different sexual orientations may love The Father The Son The Holy Ghost as much as those who sit in the pew next to me? 

Does going to the "right" church make it OK to say whatever you want about whom ever you want?  Does standing with a large group in your beliefs mean that you are right?  Can two or three standing in their beliefs be just as right?  Is there room for all of what has happened in this world since it's inception, created by a mighty hand, to find love? 

God loves the gay.  God loves the straight.  God loves the drug addict, gambler, over spender, under tither, the weak, the strong, the unwed mother, the abusive father, the man woman child who have yet to even hear of Him.  How far do we go to spread the word?  Why would you stand there, saying those things against your brother or sister, when if you really love God that much, so much that you are offended by his or her questions, you aren't out on the field, reaching those who don't have the luxury of Christian T.V, Christian radio, church?  If we put our money where are mouths are do we come up broke?  Is it so easy to see Aids as punishment from God, terrorist attacks as His judgment, hurricanes as His way of getting our attention?  Do we remember what He sacrificed?  Does One who loves that sacrificially long to punish those He sacrificed for?  How easy it is to hate the "different" when you see yourself as "right".  Is there just one way to love Him, only one sort in many forms?  I pray God forgives us for what we decide is His will, His view, His way.  His ways are perfect.

The problem, it seems, is not that God's love is flawed, but that ours is.

Stopping to smell the roses, er, grass

There are some things about my health I've never posted about.  The first thing a person has to know is that grief and trauma take a huge toll on the body, so if there are any underlying issues they will become not so underlying after a traumatic event.  Grieving in and of itself can almost be an illness.  It causes the body to hurt, drains energy, affects the adrenal system.  For me, it's almost like Bi-Polar disease.  One moment I'm flying, energized, taking care of everyone and happy to do so, the next I am paralyzed by sadness, unable to get up let alone take care of someones desire or need for say, dinner, or a clean towel.  My belief, however flawed, has always been that my body has no happy medium, so I'm either going strictly on adrenaline and caffeine, or crashing from the adrenal rush.  It's the fight or flight instinct on a daily basis.  I believe it would be that way regardless of 9/11 because of biology, but 9/11 caused it to escalate.  I also have a long list of physical ailments that I choose not to spend to  much time talking about, because growing up all I can really remember about my mom is her talking daily to her friends about whatever new pain, illness, or disease she had.  She spent more time going to and from doctors then any other activity I can recall.  Even when she would come and see me there was always at least one trip to the Emergency Room.  So I don't talk about what ails me.  But things do, energy robbing physical things, that cause pain and make it impossible for me to do the things I used to take for granted.  I have help cleaning the house, not because I don't want to but because I could never keep up with it otherwise.  I keep my commitments down to a minimum, not because I don't long to be more involved at church or social activities, but because I have to have enough energy at the end of the school day to pick up my kids, drop off carpool, do homework with, feed, clean up after (yes, they have to help and I believe they should anyway) keep up with general day to day stuff.  Some times other things are a luxury that I don't always get to enjoy.

Where am I going with this?  Well....I haven't stopped.  I need to stop.  I need to be able to enjoy some of the amazing beauty in our world, talk to amazing people, and really importantly, be alone and still and quiet.  Even our Lord needed time alone.  God says Be still and know that I am God.  I have not been listening to my body because so much has to be done all the time and I am alone in the doing.  I fear stopping sometimes, because the mess that will be created simply by skipping a day or two will overwhelm me.  I am already overwhelmed.  I'm overwhelmed with how bad I feel some days.  I'm overwhelmed with how much work I need to do to make my home the way I need it to be, smooth and organized.  I'm overwhelmed with emotions, all sorts, and feelings, that go up and down on any given day, to the point that simply feeling is exhausting.  Yet deep down I long for joy.  It's amazing to me that no matter what we go through, what we suffer, our spirits still desire joy, peace, life, the Giver of life.  I do long to stop, take some pictures, buy a bouquet of Daisy's, watch a comedy and FEEL GOOD.  Mostly I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that if I don't, if I keep up the pace I am right now, I will forget to remember that life is a gift not a chore, that my daughters need me strong even if that means hearing "no", that by ignoring my physical needs and limitations I could one day have no choice but to live with nothing else but.

so it's been awhile....

Kids and I have been sick.  You know what that's like, they need you but you feel so crappy that getting to them takes all the energy you don't have, and then you pass out cold for ten minutes until they need you again.  And on it goes until at last someone feels well enough to go to school.  Yea!  Today is that day.  Not one, but two children in school, and me on the cusp of an event that hasn't happened since biological warfare entered our home, a shower with no interruptions, and a MOVIE!!!  Yep, as soon as I finish here I'm off to a movie, to sit in the quiet darkness, cool and in good company, to loose myself for approximately 99 minutes.

However, first I must post.  And the thoughts that run through my head lately are of the "mysteries of God" sort.  And, sadly, the "where is the love of God" sort as well.  I miss Him.  I mean that in the sense that lately I've heard so much about how to be a Christian, and so little about His love.  I am not putting down church, and I adore ours and the people.  But I see people become so focused on rules that the grace of God sort of gets lost in the mix.  Though I am in the middle of doing a sort of series regarding this topic, I will touch on it briefly for a moment.  I do not believe that when I am living from my heart I am outside the will of God.  I do not think I'm a good person outside the of  Holy Spirit, but I do not see dying to self the way many of my peers do.  There are a lot of phrases, words and thoughts from God's word that I have heard teaching on that cause me to question, and I don't believe it's wrong to question.  I have a dear friend who comes from a life of such sin when God rescued her she was overwhelmed with gratitude.  In that gratitude she set up a list of rules that no one could live up to.  She needed this for herself to make herself feel like she was living right.  Once she believed though she had done everything that needed to be done.  I'm not talking about continuing a life of sin while proclaiming salvation, I'm talking about remembering those verses that teach us that it is by grace alone we are saved, so that no man can boast.  I'm fatigued of teachings that detract from this point.  I'm saddened by those who tell me I'm wrong because I question, because I want to have a relationship with God that isn't based on a rule list but our hearts.  His and mine.  I don't believe my heart is a wicked thing because I have given it to Him.  He created it.  I don't turn away from my heart's desires because I believe He placed them there.  I don't desire to live a sinful life because His Holy Spirit is right there, letting me know when I've gossiped, when I've lusted and when I've strayed from Him.  I'm not claiming perfection, I'm not claiming sinlessness, I'm claiming Him.  I'm claiming the new person I am because of Him, and the forgiveness and righteousness I have in Him.  That, in all it's mystery, is why I embrace myself.   Yes, I sin, but I am forgiven.  He created me, loves me, lives in me.  I guess I feel my job is to let Him.  I don't know if there is some grand will for me, for everyone.  That is one of those questions I'm enjoying seeking out.  I do know that it is His will for all to be saved, and maybe that's enough.  At least for now, maybe just living out my salvation is His only will for me, and whatever else comes from that He will use the way He sees fit. 

Back to the love point.  I wonder if we're missing something.  We sit at church Sunday after Sunday, serve, tithe, sing.  But when we're looking around and wondering if that person is really giving a full ten percent, or if that person really believes the way I do, or hearing from the pulpit how we are supposed to live, I wonder if we're remembering that God's love is bigger than any of this.  Am I?  His love is bigger, His act of Salvation was done because we can't earn our way to Him, we can't give enough, live right enough, love enough.  Everything He did was because He loves us, and will love us even in our ugliest hours.  I can live by a set of rules and never appear to the outside world to be the mess that I truly am, but I'd rather use that mess to say "look, look at how screwed up I am and yet He loves me.". 

Well I've read this, and it is across the board.  I'm sure the number of hours I've been deprived of sleep, coupled with the number of NyQuil's I've taken have something to do with that.  But I don't care.  These are the true thoughts on my heart, so I shall publish away....

The White Elephant, or Justice is His

Just so there are no weird moments for anyone, I'd like to say that I know and understand the reasons Moussoui was not sentenced to death.  I am ok with the outcome.  Many have asked me if I wanted him put to death, and my truthful anwer is some days.  However, his fate was left to the jury, as is our system here, and I wouldn't want to live anywhere but here.  His defiance and joy at the loss of so many innocents was not the first I've seen, and justice does belong to God.  I've dealt, or am dealing, with this daily, and my daughters and I are ok.  People have joked about it, we're still ok.  People say things out of love that couldn't be more wrong, we're still ok.  The news has yet to go a day without mentioning it, we're still ok.  Hollywood made a movie about it, and yes, we're still ok.  Though we are not immune to it, and like it or not even people in our lives have hurt us with it, 9/11 is a part of our story, and we are learning to live with it. 

We have love.  Love for God, love for each other and a love remembered that time and pain cannot diminish, so ya, we're ok.  Had the jury decided to end his life, we still would not have our Lenny back.  And though he showed such a lack of respect for his victims, and though he sees himself the winner for having his life spared, I take comfort in the pomises of God.  Even if he gets to live, he will be spending twenty four hours a day alone, and I gotta say, I'd almost prefer death to the kind of life he'll be living. 

So there.  It's out on the table, not hiding in the middle of the living room!  Now I am going to get ready for dinner, and relish every minute I have left to enjoy my girls.  That's something no one can take away from me.