Spiritside

An Observation

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that when I'm hurting I turn to the book of Psalms.  I learned a long time ago that life is not always pretty, and clearly, in His grace, God provided a way to show us how even a man after His own heart prayed during those times.  I just have to add here how I'd love to be known as "a person after God's own heart".

I've made no secret of the fact that certain things have happened lately, both in my real world as well as my cyber world that have been painful.  I don't blame anyone, I'm a big girl and have made lots of mistakes, but OUCH!  So as I sought those versus to remind me that God is here with me in these times, I had a light bulb moment.  (Corry, I give you permission to remind me of what I'm about to right when I start whining!)  Every time I read about "the wicked prospering" I read after how it is God who deals with that and my job to "trust in the Lord and do good", Psalm 37:3.  Over and over, as David shares the fear and pain he is feeling he is reminded how he is required to continue in faith and not fret, not allowing those who sought to cause him harm either give him an excuse to sin, especially in the form of seeking his own justice, or rob him of the fact that his joy, his provision is in the Lord alone.  It didn't mean that David didn't feel the pain of betrayal or the fear of what his enemies had planned for him.  We are allowed to feel.  We are allowed to fear.  It's how we handle those emotions that can either rob us of our joy or strengthen our faith.  Pain, betrayal, deliberately aimed attacks are going to hurt.  Loss and the pain that goes along with it are a huge part of my story.  The fallenness of our world dictates that even brother will turn against brother, and those are very painful wounds.  The dictate to trust and continue in good works is very clear. 

I've struggled with time.  Time spent worrying, time spent in anger, frustration, fretting.  We may be eternal beings, but until we reach Heaven we are governed by the laws of life here, and we cannot get time back.  I'd rather spend mine trusting God than fretting over evil doers.

A Path

Clearing a path and forging ahead.  Sometimes, the things in the way are there because of my own simple laziness.  Old and tired, I don't take the energy to move the debris off the path laid out before me and move forward toward Him.  Prideful, I don't ask for help, even from the One who promises and never lies.  I look at the work that must be done and feel overwhelmed before I've even begun.  And so the debris accumulates....

At times, the path to God seems so simple.  It's those times, the simple times, when I've fixed my eyes on Him alone and allowed everything else to work itself out.  And it always does. 

At times the path to God is confusing.  Am I doing this right?  Am I doing that wrong?  It's those times, those complicated times, when I've fixed my eyes on the circumstances, waiting for them to disappear, forgetting that it's not the lack of hard circumstances that make the path clear, but inviting Him on the journey with me.

Just Wondering

I have noticed a certain pattern in my life.  When life gets really busy, planning for a vacation on top of regular life busy, my time alone with God seems to be the thing that suffers the most.  When this happens. I find myself spitting out spiritual cliches without any real meaning, or starting to doubt.  Not God, but myself, my choices, the things that used to bring peace.  Of course!  How can anything bring peace when the only way to have any at all is to be in communication with Him?  Peace, at least for me, doesn't always come from doing right things versus wrong things, but from where I am standing in light of Him.  When I pull away, I am sad, lonely, angry.  All the things I'd be all the time had He not shed His grace on me. 

Getting back in the groove is hard sometimes.  Especially when the church I attend has become a difficult place to go and feel great about everything.  It's a time of questioning for me, and I'm anxious to be settled. 

So I guess what I'm endlessly posting about here is the fact that the cycle of regular time away with God is my peace, I haven't had it so I have none, I have none so everything feels funky, everything feels funky so I spin my wheels.....and on goes the cycle until I get on me knees again.  I wish someone would come up behind me and give me a good push!!!

And oh ya, I was just wondering if this happens to anyone else out there?

Thanks for listening!

Whose Responsibility Is It Anyway?

OK, this is the last time I shall refer to the events of the last few weeks regarding the discussions and situations at the girl's school and our church.  I mean this post not in the spirit of pick, pick, pick, but in true longing for Biblical truths that I can apply to my life, and as a result help my girls grow up spiritually.

The issue, is of course, being considered a stumbling block.  I am so tired of hearing that either I'm one for the way I look, the way I dress, the way I am, or that my teen is one because of her affections for Spencer, her boyfriend, (really just a good, close friend) since last summer. 

I'll tackle the issue of me first.  So much has come out in the last few weeks, once the ball started rolling, about who I am.  A friend of mine told me that her husband had a hard time having a conversation with me because he couldn't focus on my words because of how I was dressed.  I would like to take this time to say I am not, by any means, a "hottie", nor do I dress as one.  The thing that seems to be the topic of conversation, deliberation, controversy, quite frankly and with lots of humiliation, is that Iwear a  c cup.  Yes folks, gather round and stone me, I am not tiny chested.  This is the problem.  While at school or church, people have noticed, and I am now branded a "Stumbling Block".  I wear fun clothes, mostly v necked, and depending on the fit or size of my clothes my assets are either hidden or emphasized.  Yes, some cleavage has shown.  Not intentionally, never intentionally, but that doesn't seem to matter.  I don't own anything sexy in my wardrobe anyway, since as a stay at home mom I like to look my best but never really "dress up".  I wear mostly trendy jeans or skirts, and couple them with tanks and sweaters, or in the summer, just layered tanks.  That's it folks.  No corsets, no bra tops, tube tops, tight tees.  And come on, would I really dress like that to push a trash can around the lunch room?  NO NO NO!!! 

So here is what I have discovered.  When my friend informed me of her husband's inability to make eye contact because A) I was wearing makeup, and B) my shirt was v-necked I felt like such a bad person!  I took on all this guilt, and wanted to burn my clothes lest I cause anyone else to have impure thoughts.  Then she said something that completely changed my perspective.  "Flip it.  How would you feel if your husband came to you and said he had a hard time talking to person A because he found himself lusting?".  Well, I know how I'd feel.  I'd feel that my husband  better get a handle on his lust.  I don't care if person A is an insecure floozy trying to make men lust after her, it's HIS job to keep his lust under control.  There will always be temptations, and I'm pretty sure I read something in the Bible about self-control.  I'm also pretty sure it's there for a reason. 

Condensed version of daughter's situation.  No longer allowed to hug, hold hands or say I love you to Spencer, she was also informed by same person that she was being a "stumbling block" to him simply by being in his life.  Why?  Because she causes him to feel things and want things that he's not allowed to have, namely her.  She carried this around for awhile before finally breaking down under the weight of guilt of causing someone she loves to stumble.

OK, so here is the issue for me.  First of all, when the Bible refers to "stumbling blocks", is it not reflective of the non-believer's life, and our place as believers to not engage in behavior that could cause a person who is not decided to stumble no matter what we believe, such as the example given in the Bible regarding the consumption of meat?  If a person has Salvation, isn't it his/her responsibility to work out that salvation daily?  If every time my daughters, me, you, a Pastor, an actress, whoever, did something that caused a believer to have impure thoughts can the blame for that constantly be given to the other person?  I don't think so.  My daughter's very being causes Spencer to long to kiss her.  How can someones very being be wrong?  Now, I do very strongly believe that we have responsibilities before God to others.  Spencer has rules and like them or not my daughter needs to help him follow those rules.  If he is not allowed to hold hands than she needs to not tempt him into holding her hand.  But this is, to me, a different aspect of obedience than "being a stumbling block", something I never want to hear again.  Should I get a breast reduction simply because some believing men may be boob guys?  I dress as modestly as my figure allows, what the world does with that is up to them. 

To restate:  The issue of stumbling blocks is, as far as I've been taught, relational to a non believer, or one who is on the fence and watching or struggling with what they see in the life of a professing believer.  At the time it was written, as far as I understand, it was a directive to the church to not let personal choices become issues for others.  A directive of sacrifice that can still be applied, but not in the way my friends are using it.  For instance, there is a casino here on the island.  If my sister were here I'd probably not use it.  Why?  Because she herself is still not sure how gambling fits in to the whole of Christianity, and I would try my best to honor her as she figures it out.  If my silly nickle machine usage causes her confusion, than I have an obligation to be mindful of that, no matter my personal feelings about gambling.

So folks, if I'm wrong, I'm sorry.  But I am done carrying the guilt for this body, and know in my heart my motives.  I will not let myself or my child run around feeling like we need to apologize for the thoughts someone else has about either of us.  I cannot teach her to be responsible for her own thoughts while telling her someone elses are also her responsibility. 

Can we say "self control"?

Scared for the Church

Maybe it's just me, but every time I become involved with a particular church the things I see horrify me.  Maybe it's because I'm too aware.  Some go to church on Sundays, leave for the week and come back again on Sunday.  I don't have that luxury with my girls at the school that is our church.   The things I see, the gossip, the, yes, hypocrisy, especially the little societies that form in which membership seem required just to sit in a certain location all serve to remind me how fallen our world is.  And while I can say "I know this place, these people", others may not have that advantage.  Than what?  They come into a society where the pecking order is already established, and try to find a place if they choose to become involved, when the most important aspect of fellowship is learning the word.  Yes, and worship, but I can sing and worship and pray with friends and family anytime, but I can't get the level of teaching I desire unless I'm at church, being taught by someone who has either gone to school for or been blessed with the ability to know and share God's word.

It's not even the cliques that disturb me, because I'm sure people could look at me and some of my friends and say that we are the same way.  It's the absolute delight I've witnessed in the shutting out of someone that has made me sad.  Of course I have friends, of course there are some blogs  read daily and comment on as often as possible.  It's those friendships that motivate me to keep reading, to keep writing, even when I wonder if it's doing any good.  But I have and never will ignore somebody.  Whether they believe the way I do or not, I will not ignore someone simply because they aren't part of some little circle, than sit around in self righteous delight while others are wondering what they did so wrong. 

God said there are no men or women, no slave or master, no Jew or Gentile.  We are all the same in His eyes.  I have watched a dear sweet lady slowly transitioned from one level of believer to another, and the accompanying outcasting, simply because she has the courage to stand up and ask the hard questions.  Her questions are because of her love and desire to experience God, yet she chose something not on someone Else's program so bam, she's out.  How does this exemplify to a new believer or church visitor the unbiased love God carries for each and every one of us?  How does this help my friend, who loves God more than some at a nameless building who sit around cracking jokes about others simply because they feel so good about themselves they may forget that "there but for the grace of God go them". 

So yes, I'm scared, (and apparently a little angry!) for our church, the Christian church, as it creates elitists at the expense of others.

Now I need to add this.  I don't think it can be helped.  Where ever there are groups and cliques there will be those who feel injured our left out, and those who feel "part of" so therefore better than.  I watch with my nine year old all the way up to bridge clubs.  I pray that all who proclaim the love of Christ would have their hearts and minds set on the things that are of true value.  To those who are trying to find their places at new churches, as new or long time believers, I pray that we can grow up and not employ playground tactics for self grander, and remember what He says about loving our neighbors.

Reasons for my choice

I have spent all week doing only two things.  Recovering from food poisoning, with long lasting and painful accompanying symptoms, migraines especially, and somehow driving back and forth from my kids school, sometimes as  late as ten p.m.   The reason behind these late nights, Drama!!!!  These poor kids have been staying at school from 3:15 until ? just to prepare for this years production, "Give And Take".  While I have no idea how Colette and I have managed to drive so many hours at all hours dropping off kids during this time, I wouldn't have changed a thing.   I also had to be there at 5:30 last night for a 7:00 curtain, and was stationed backstage where it was my job to help actors get in and out of costume in a timely, orderly fashion.  They couldn't have done a better job! 

The play emphasized to me the reason my kids attend a private Christian school in an area where the public schools have such an amazing reputation.  I never began parenting with the thought of sending them anywhere but what our boundaries dictated, and I love the public school system and have great faith in it.  Call me naive, but I worked for it in L.A., and a more dedicated group of people I have yet to meet.

So what was the play about?  Giving.  Taking.  Consequences of both.  No amazing musical numbers, no expensive costumes or props.  Just the kids, using the resources available to them, telling tales of giving and taking.  Tales of selfish greed and selfless sacrifice, each demonstrating that whatever type of person you choose to be, others will be affected for better or worse.   The sad-est tale, "The Crane Wife", from Russia, told of how a Crane selflessly weaved her feathers into beautiful fabric for her greedy husband to sell, until she could no longer retain the strength to maintain her human form and flew away bare and bleeding.    In a Native American tale, an orphaned girl burns the only possession she has of her long lost family, a handmade doll,and scatters the ashes over the barren land to bring rain.  Though sad, she goes from being known as "The One Who Stands Alone" to "She Who Loves Her People".  There were a few others, mimed, funny, danced out.  All in all, for just a group of kids on a bare stage with few props it was astounding.

This is why.  These tales, which emphasize the importance of sacrifice, illustrate the reason.  This is why I pay when I can't really afford it, drive everyday while I watch the school bus come through my neighborhood, push a trashcan around when I could be watching General Hospital.  Christ is woven throughout every element of my daughters days.  They are moving through their routines, going to Bible class, having morning worship, attending Chapel, putting on plays, studying other cultures in relationship to our Creator without even comprehending they are being educated in a different way.  They grumble and complain, just like kids everywhere, but everything they are learning is framed in Christ's love, His sacrifice.  That is why.  I adore my kids more than anything , and giving them this Christian education by osmosis is by far the best thing I've ever done for them