Spiritside

I Didn't Go To Church Today, or Paranoia

Today I gave in to the humiliation shadowing me all week.

Today I lied, "I have a migraine, my loves", but what is hurting my head has no real term.  There is no pill to fix it. 

Today I pulled my wonderfully soft, down pillow over swollen eyes, and let the sent of Tide and Downey soothe my senses.  I left behind the ancient, hard blue chairs where I would have sat watching, not hearing a word outside of my thoughts.  What did he say, to whom did he say it?  I would have searched fiercely the eyes of all who shook my hand, hugged me in a caricature of intimacy to see if they knew.

Today I let the humiliation and paranoia win.  I will be my own prayer vigil today.  I will be my own worship band, my own Bible lesson, my own building. 

Today I will allow myself to crumble under judgment that is spoken aloud "in His love".  I will shove my needs for the body under the well worn rug of "in His love", and give myself this day of deconstruction and humiliation, which were not intentional, just side benefits of "in His love". 

I didn't go to church today. 

Mystery Solved, I'm a Harpy!

There are so many issues I could address in this one post.  First of all, the issue of conformity in the church vs. the freedom to be the people God, who I'm assuming created us differently on purpose, created us to be.  There is so much talk of "death to self", which I've always taken to mean death to the side of our flesh that would have us living totally selfishly, or the constant putting our own needs above others needs to a degree that we cause them harm, and lastly the desire we have to live independent of God.  I do not believe that we are supposed to ignore who we are created to be in order to be what someones definition of a "Christian" is.  That is one reason I left my old church.  I felt acceptance only when I fit in, never just for being myself.  So when it turned out that the issue the women from my daughter's school had with me had to do with my appearance, my manner of dressing and other things that had to do with me being me, I once again had that feeling of judgment for me being me.  Yes, I wear makeup,  Yes, I dress in a way I like, even if it's not "like other moms".  And yes, I like music that is not just Christian, enjoy movies, have my own views regardless of what the school says.  I encourage my girls to question what they are taught, because in the end they come to believe because they truly believe, not just because it's what they've been taught.  I've watched as they become strong spiritually because of their own hearts and beliefs.  It's rewarding to see, and I believe is what gives their beliefs the sticking power to handle the temptations they'll face.

What on earth gives someone the right to say it's a bad thing that I don't look like "the other moms"?  Why is that bad?  Am I supposed to look, act, think, the same as everyone else?  Conformity and judgment, issues that I've had to deal with all week.

The other is the issue of the responsibility of a believer to other believers.  I don't want to be a stumbling block for anyone.  So I guess I can change certain things in certain situations so as not be one, but if a person still has issues am I supposed to disappear from the face of the earth just to accommodate?  How much of my brother's keeper am I required to be, and am I supposed to give myself up?  I don't know.  These are issues that I haven't had to deal with in awhile because I'm finally plugged in again to a church/school, and there will always be those who find fault with something.  It's just so easy to not become involved and avoid this all together, but I know that that's not right for my kids. so I plug along. 

Thank you to everyone who prayed for me during this situation.  I was stressing over being confronted in this manner, yet afraid of leaving unresolved issues to fester and cause a problem with my worshiping.

Biblical Confrontation or Personality Issues?

Here's the problem:  I have had two good friends, parents of kids my teen goes to school with.  One goes to our Bible study, different church, the other our church and not our Bible study.  Both are amazing, wonderful moms and friends.  However, today I was told that they have something they need to talk to me about, and have committed to each other not to speak of it to me unless I agree to meet them when and where they say.  I literally begged to be given an inkling of what they were upset with me about, as I went through this after Lenny's death.  Everyone and their mother had an issue with how I was handling my grief.  Some worried I was letting it ruin my life, others worried that I wasn't expressing it enough.  Every time I was seen with a man, even a brother in law or pastor I was spoken too, so I am very anxious any time someone chooses to confront me with issues they have.  I expressed this, but to no avail.  So I said that my first reaction was no, that if she couldn't understand where I was coming from and talk to me a bit there and then that I was too uncomfortable to have some sit down confrontation.  Now, I was not in anyway saying that I wouldn't listen to their concerns, especially if they are Biblical, but that I don't do well in that setting, and could we please take that into consideration?  Her response was that they wanted to invite me over and "spring it on me", and that's why they didn't want me to have any knowledge before hand. 

Now I'm sorry, but as much as I would be open to whatever they have to say, I won't do it this way.  I won't be put in that situation after everything I've been through, and, quite honestly, if they are motivated by love, it seems to me they would want to address the issues however possible.  The other thing I have come to think, as I look back over the last few months, is that the issues they have are more about my personality.  I'm open, sarcastic, in a relationship that I don't talk to them about, so they don't know if he's saved, living here, whatever.  Also, I have talked to both women about relationships in general, and was honest about how I feel regarding sex, life, worry for myself and teenager.  Maybe I was to transparent and they are worried, but in the end one of the comments made and the way it was made had to do with my lack of participation in Bible study.  I signed up but don't go, mostly because I have chronic pain and getting up and out is stressful for an hour of talk.  That's why I do as much as I can on line, and never miss church unless I'm truly bedridden or one of the kids is sick.  Which is really rare.

Whatever their issues with me, do I have to do a powwow the way they dictate?  Am I given no choice because they are doing this "In His love"?  Do my feelings in this matter at all, or am I Biblically bound to avail myself?  Can it not be mutually agreed upon?  I don't know the answers, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  And I'm angry, because I felt treated like a child getting disciplined, not an adult "sister in Christ" being dealt with as such.  I don't want my anger to distract me if there is something I need to know, but right now, it is.

The Issue of Rent

So here lies the issue.  I have long since loved Rent.  I loved the play, I loved the soundtrack, and I am loving that the show is coming to town next month.  Just in time to live up to the promise of taking Jess for her birthday.  Since I saw the show a couple of years ago she and I have listened to the soundtrack endlessly.  At first I turned it off or down on the songs with four letter words, or lied to her when she asked about the meaning of some of the words like bisexual, aids, etc.  She was and is young, so does her sweet little head need to be filled with issues like that?  No. 

But I am taking her to see it at the Warner Theater, and here is the reason.  The show does deal with Aids, homosexuality, differences, but overall, it deals with love.   It does not mean that we have to judge this lifestyle, or that I'm trying to force her to tolerate something she may or may not find tolerance for in her own life.  But I am taking her to see it.  I do not believe that she will forgo her value system just because she sees a show.   And she has been enjoying the soundtrack, the meaning of the words in the soundtrack, for long enough.  It's a heavy show, but I'm taking her.

I have gotten a lot of flack for this choice, but I have faith in her.  Many have said that I'm forcing her to deal with something she's not ready, but watching a show that raises awarness, maybe helps put some of her own life in perspective, and one to which she's loved the music too for years is something we both are looking forward to.  The thing is, the show does not celebrate "sin", it celebrates love, the differences that we all have to face whatever we believe, and brings to light the human side of these issues.  She may deem the actions sinful, but she will see that they are portraying people who are just people.  I don't want to raise her to judge, but I also don't want to raise her to accept things that she views as wrong.  I guess my long winded point is that the show deals with hard topics, and I want to her to be able to enjoy theater, music, life, and not have her beliefs either be at risk or have her turn into some judgemental person who has no understanding of human nature, therefore missing out on the things she could really enjoy through the filter of God's word. 

If you feel the need to pray for us, to pray for protection over our minds and spirits, I gladly accept that.  But I for one cannot wait to sing, clap, dance, enjoy and share something that I've enjoyed for so long with my baby, err, teenager.

What If....

What if there were no rewards, for lack of a better term, for doing the right thing? 

Recently I had a chance to choose between my own selfish desires and the choice that would be considered "right".  When I made the choice, it was more difficult than I would have ever imagined.  I was sacrificing the gratification that would have come right away for an elusive feeling of knowing that I wasn't sinning.  A friend kept telling me "God will reward your obedience", but in truth that didn't mean anything, so huge the pull toward what I wanted.  I would have to say honestly that I did not choose the right path because of any promise, but because I wanted to be able to have a clear conscience before God, and it was the kind of situation that could only lead to pain. 

Well I will say this.  God did indeed give me peace after I followed through, it didn't come immediately, and that peace has allowed me to stay strong in the hour of temptation, and that is the reward.  I didn't win the lottery, I didn't find true love, but I did discover peace.

Now, that peace is the kind that surpasses understanding.  I know this because I have had no desire for what I gave up.  At first I missed it with such a strong sense of loss I wept, but now, the knowledge that being obedient is better than anything else I could have wanted. 

Except with or without that peace, I long to think I'd still have made the right choice.  Not that I would have had the strength, I'm not talking about that, but that my love for God, my desire to be pleasing to Him, would be enough to cause obedience.  I don't know, being right with God is a reward.  Whatever else He bestows my way, I never want that to be my motivation for doing the thing He'd want me to do.

Again, I loose my thought in a jumble of words, but my prayer is that my obedience will always be independent of His rewards and based on love, His for me, mine for Him.