Today I gave in to the humiliation shadowing me all week.
Today I lied, "I have a migraine, my loves", but what is hurting my head has no real term. There is no pill to fix it.
Today I pulled my wonderfully soft, down pillow over swollen eyes, and let the sent of Tide and Downey soothe my senses. I left behind the ancient, hard blue chairs where I would have sat watching, not hearing a word outside of my thoughts. What did he say, to whom did he say it? I would have searched fiercely the eyes of all who shook my hand, hugged me in a caricature of intimacy to see if they knew.
Today I let the humiliation and paranoia win. I will be my own prayer vigil today. I will be my own worship band, my own Bible lesson, my own building.
Today I will allow myself to crumble under judgment that is spoken aloud "in His love". I will shove my needs for the body under the well worn rug of "in His love", and give myself this day of deconstruction and humiliation, which were not intentional, just side benefits of "in His love".
I didn't go to church today.
It's easier to forgive than to forget the hurt and the injustice. You've been hurt and it takes time to get through the hurt to get to the healing. Did you let them know what impact all this had on you? How it hurt you and your thoughts about it? It may not resolve the situation but it may be helpful to them for self-examination.
God knows your heart. Remember, Jesus is carrying you in His arms right now:-) Our prayers are with you!
God's Grace.
Posted by: corry | March 19, 2006 at 12:03 PM
Karen,
You didn't go to church today because you were sick. I am not sure if you have been diagnosed with anything-but losing a husband in 9/11, in my judgment qualifies you for post traumatic stress (this is a totally lay opinion-not based on any facts). Plus you have been under so much stress. Our bodies need to heal. Sleep is a gift from God.
Rest well my friend
Posted by: Patti | March 19, 2006 at 01:32 PM
Haven't seen any new posts in a while? Is everything ok with you?
Posted by: Patti | March 29, 2006 at 03:32 PM