I have discovered something about people and obedience. It just doesn't seem to matter what someone is told do, human nature dictates that we either avoid or rebel. Yes, I am the mom of a teen, so maybe it's just the experiences I'm having currently that have caused me to pause and reflect on the principle of obeying. But I also know that we long to be masters of our own selves, and when someone, even someone we love dearly, tells us what to do it can make us feel as though we are loosing that ability. I know I always want what I want when I want it. I'm no different than my teen in that regard. If I want to do something I will.
Of course, as a parent, I have put in place rules that I expect my kids to follow. And every single one of those rules has a purpose to do with their well being. Clean up before games and computer, responsibility. Respecting others, teaching them to respect themselves as well as value other and themselves. Not going outside when I'm not home, or not talking to strangers, and most especially not giving personal information on the computer, their safety. Going to bed at a decent time, eating well, exercise, showering, all things designed for their health and well being. They don't always see it that way. In fact, they always have the same reaction to information they hear every single day. Man. Not just "man" but a long, whining, drawn out "Mmmaaaaannnnn!". It's as if they never heard that they have to do their homework first before!
Obedience gets really tricky for me when I know God needs me to do something, yet I don't want to. I know where my kids get that whining "man" thing from. I'm not very legalistic in my approach to God. Not to say I don't long to serve, to obey, but that I don't believe His love for me is conditional on anything I can do. I love Him, I adore the Jesus I've come to know. That is why I long to do what He says. And I don't set up many spiritual rules for myself. By that I mean that since Lenny's death, adding the pressure of trying to live up to my old expectations for myself would probably do me in. If I can't get up and spend the time I used to in study, if I don't serve at my church the way I used to, I believe I still honor Him by the choices I make and the way live.
So ok. Praying for our enemies. Here is the amazing beauty. I have an "enemy". Before I say another word I do want to add that I know just like my rules for my kids, God's directive are only for our benefit. He is God, and whether or not we obey He is still God. His wish for our best is the reason for what's written in that amazing Bible. I don't for one minute pretend to know why He would care so deeply for us, but I revel in it. Knowing all that did not make praying for this person one bit easier. She is mean spirited and has said and done horrid things that my kids have also had to deal with. She used me in a way, I let her use me in a way, that has had huge negative ramifications for my family. She's Superior, self-centered to the point of neglecting her own child for a man twenty years her junior, and well, once I set up some healthier boundaries, and began to share the gospel with her, that was that. The kicker I think, was when after a couple of miscarriages she still kept trying to get pregnant. Because she was bored. That's what she said. After that I could not stay quiet, and that's when I became the "bitch". I shared with her Psalm 139, I talked to her about mentoring, a subject near and dear to me. She was still the wronged person. I haven't talked negatively about her to a soul. Even writing these words I feel hypocritical because I sound so stinking judgmental, and it's so clear she needs God, healing, His power. Anyway, after the friendship ended and she began to do and say some things that caused a great deal of harm I began to fantasize about retaliation! I did. I harbored my anger, didn't let it get to far from me. I didn't tell anyone, but I would think it. I would think the worse possible things. Until one day at church, right before communion, the Pastor asked what's been on our minds of late. As if he spoke directly to me he asked if there were any lost souls we needed to pray for. Any unfinished business that needed finishing before we partook. Her face filled my mind, and I began right then to pray for her. And for myself, confession. Now every time I feel that anger and resentment flow to the surface, which it does as things she says and does against me trickle into my circle, I begin praying earnestly for her and I swear, I honestly swear that the minute I begin to pray I feel nothing but sadness for her. No anger, hatred, nothing I feel ashamed of. Just this overwhelming sadness and a sense of being stuck, because she is stuck. I began longing for her salvation instead of longing to get even.
I can't say that I'm praying for all who have ever wronged me. I do try, but I believe God will bring me to the places I need to be before I can sincerely pray for those who took my husband's life, along with 3000 others. But I have seen Him work, and in that I take great rest.
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