Spiritside

Our Little Restaurant in Ashburn

So far I have refrained from writing about our little business venture in Ashburn VA for fear of sounding like an ad.  "Mention my blog and the first course is on us".  (That's just a joke, by the way, for anyone who may actually live in or near Ashburn
VA!).  But alas, we do indeed own a small place, on it's way to becoming a bistro from what originally was a pretty upscale kind of place.  But Ashburn is very family oriented so not having a kids menu is like slapping all those suburbanites in the face.  Because of this our little place has undergone a lot of changes both with the staff and with the menu.  Which, if you ask me, is outstanding.  Somehow we managed to find people who can really cook.  I mean I have probably gained ten pounds because of this. 

But I digress, as usual.  I love our restaurant, but I don't think going into business with the family of the man I'm involved with was the best idea, and I wonder if I rushed into something without truly seeking God's will on the matter.  We are not going under, but we are not doing as well as we should be either.  When I talked to a friend she said she wasn't sure about the whole spiritual element because lots of non-Christians do very well for themselves.  I mean, who knows how many on Forbes richest whatever list actually believe in God?  I think, though, as a Christian there is a different standard for me.  I cannot pick and choose what I give to God.  No, I don't think that we're not doing great because I didn't check with God first, but I do think that it's time to leave it in His hands.  If we have success or not, if it's not to His glory I don't suppose it matters.  Since I was widowed I'm asked the same question a lot.  Would I change things if it meant that I wouldn't have the relationship with God I have now?  I have to say that while I wish the circumstances were different I can't say I would.  I wish I could have my relationship with God as is today and have my husband alive and have the business doing great.  But it's all so temporary anyway.  Whatever happens with the business I know that I want God's glory more.  Those who I'm involved with probably don't agree, or even think this way, so I don't know if we'll have a "happily ever after" ending with this place.  But I will say this:  Nothing can touch our ribeye!!!

All The Dead Trees Are Flung Here And There....

In hopes that the trash man soon will be here.  For weeks we spend all our time thinking about Christmas.  I watch with delight as each new home displays lights, lawn decorations, and, of course, the trees in the windows.  I love driving this time of year and seeing all the different styles lighting up windows everywhere.  I've noticed this trend of late to have totally white lit trees.  It is pretty and dramatic.  We opt for multicolor, and probably always will.  One day I'm going to have two trees, one all white with just angels, the other multi colored with all the ornaments that my kids have made over the years and my husband and I exchanged while he was alive.  I still buy him one every year.  He still is the "World's Greatest Dad"  to us, and even though he's not here physically every year we celebrate the birth of Jesus he's in my heart, my mind, so buying another "Our Christmas Together" ornament is really not a lie.  It seems like the day after though, all over the neighborhoods are the discarded remains of all the weeks of preparation.  Before two days have passed the neighborhood newsletter announces the pick up date of Christmas trees, and there they lie.  Discarded, ugly, used.  It used to depress me.  Now I don't mind so much.  Mine will stay up till after New Year's Day, mostly out of  laziness.  But also because I enjoy our tree.  I enjoy sitting by it's soft glow remembering the look on the kids faces as they tore under it looking for wrapped boxes with their names.  I enjoy reading God's word by it.  I love waiting till no one's home to put all the ornaments away, enjoying the memory each one holds. 

More importantly, trees by the curb or trees in the house, it doesn't change the gift of that night.  Who are we, who is this God, to go to such lengths to win us to the Kingdom?  I remember my first Christmas as a believer, and this year that wonder overwhelmed again.  I guess that's why the depressing sight of trees awaiting the trash truck just didn't bother me this year. 

On The Fence

I love taking pictures at the place my 12 year old rides horses.  I have files filled with images from every season there, with the hope of someday making an album for us and her instructor with all these shots.   I have more of this fence than anything, which I think has some deeper meaning that I haven't quite deciphered.  This fence runs along a dirt road that the owners of the stable don't want us walking or photographing.  I do anyway.  I mean, I have paid thousands over the couple of years my child has been riding here and have certainly proven trustworthy with their horses as I've never poisoned one, stolen one, or let one out while no one was looking.  So if I walk 1/4 of a mile of road for a pretty pic I don't feel too bad. 

I guess I'm just rambling.  I wish I had a better eye for taking pictures.  My uncle does it for a living in L.A., and I have such admiration for artists.  To be able to create something or recreate it in a way that blesses others is an amazing gift.  I know, and I'm not being self depricating here, that I truly don't have that sort of talent.  I enjoy it, but don't possess it.  I would take any prayer anyone wanted to offer on behalf of this issue, since all gifts are of God, and maybe it's not to late for Him to give me the sort of eye or mind that can take what is floating around inside my head and heart and do something with it that brings Him glory.  Or makes someone smile.  Or helps someone know they are not alone in this life. 

On a last and serious note, I do need prayer for two very sad situations.  First is my nephew, who has RSV at six months of age and is just so very sick that  no one really knows for sure what will happen.  The second is for two teenage girls whose mom recently perished in a car accident.  They are estranged from their father, and it looks like my friend is going to be adding them to her already full house.  They have six children there already, so this will bring the grand total up to eight, with five being between 12-14 years old.  So the prayers here need to be many.  For my friend who lost her best friend, for the daughters who lost their mom, and for the situation itself.  My friends are open to adopting these girls into their family, and trust that if it's what God has for them He will handle the details.  But no one in the wake of all this grief and pain anticipates this being an easy transition for anyone.  I will keep ya all updated, and if you believe in prayer or have prayer chain I'd appreciate the thought.

And Over at Lifematters...

Here is a photo of my late husband with our children.  Notice where his focus is?  Always looking at the kids, never outward.  How many times did I tell him "look up Honey"? 

I have another blog, "Lifematters", where I talk about issues non-spiritual and where I don't worry at times if I sound less than.  It's more my venting blog than anything. 

Ok, so how does this all tie together?  Over at Lifematters my posts have been a bit, well, depressing.  Of course depression is part of this.  My husband died on 9/11, leaving behind three who love and miss him desperatly.  It's the holidays.  For every strand of lights I put up, for his stocking which he'll never use again, for every ornament that we exchanged I have a tangible reminder that our Christmas' are forever altered.  I am not happy about this.  I don't pretend, have never pretended, to be ok with his death and what it's done to our family. 

A few dear and caring souls have commented on my lack of joy.  It's been brought to my attention that I need to remember the goodness of God, that my husband is with Him, and that Scripture is full of instructions as to how to direct our thoughts.  And I agree.  But I also would say to anyone who hasn't  lost a husband, especially in such a public, traumatic way, be gentle with the people in your lives who have.  Maybe four years have passed since 9/11, but not one day has without some reference to it.  I do not choose to stay stuck, as was suggested, it just seems to happen as the burdens of life as well as the joys pile up and make it hard to take care of present day life and grieving.  Single pareneting is hard under the best conditions, but through in post traumatic stress, anxiety, and everything else that we've dealt with and it makes for a not so "together" mom.  Spiritually I'm trying.  My Church family is amazing, the youth group is helping my twelve year old, and I keep Jesus and His amazing love for us in our Christmas.  But to think that those who suffered either from 9/11 or the war since won't feel their losses no matter how close to God is just wrong.  And please, please, don't judge a soul until you've walked in their shoes.  There are parts to my story that would curl tonails that I'm not able to talk to anyone about.  Yes God knows, but at times I just wish I could sit down for a few hours and talk about the things that go along with 9/11 widowhood. 

What I want to say is that I love my Lord.  That love, trust, passion is seperate from the pain I feel, the sadness at going through another Christmas without my hubby.  My worship will be heartfelt, but so will my grieving.  The two can and do coexist.  Are we called to joy all the time because of our beliefs, or are we called to cling to God during these dry seasons?  My dear friend just lost her best friend since childhood to a blazing fire/car accident.  She is the most Godly woman I know, yet she cried, asked for prayer, WAS SAD.  Does this mean she's any less Godly?  I have many blessings.  I have suffered many losses.  It's all in there.

Jessica and Spencer Sitting in a Tree....Not!

tonight i took my daughters and a friend's children shopping at the mall.  We had fun trying to figure out what to buy who, how to sneak bags around so no would guess what they were, or where they were from.  my twelve year old is in the interesting position of "going out" with the brother, pictured, of her best friend.  My nine year old is also friends with and in class with this family's 9 year old, and believe it or not there are two more boys close in age that they all get along with, along with a seventeen year old who adores my nine year old.  Needless to say this family is quite the blessing to us.

So we're walking, talking, laughing, when suddenly it dawns on me.  My daughter and Spencer are holding hands!!!!  He is holding my daughter's hand.  I've heard he does this, but seeing it for the first time was, well, weird.  Hard to tell from the photo but she's twelve and he's thriteen.  He looks much older, and the first time he showed up at my house I thought he was seventeen or so and ready to bang him over the head with something hard and metal.  or a rolling pin.  or a 2x4.  Either way the only reason I gave my ok to this "relationship" was because at the time he lived four hours away.  How could I know he was moving up here, and would eventually be in her class, her church, her youth group?  I'll tell ya something else.  I really like him.  I don't always want to, but I DO!!!  He loves God.  He respects her limits, which presently I'm ok with since I don't think he's done more then hug her and hold her hand.  I know he thinks he's kissing her on her birthday, which is Valentine's Day.  But we'll see.....

I guess what this display brought to mind was the fact that she wants to hold his hand.  It doesn't gross her out.  Some day other things won't gross her out and then what?  She is sensitive to the Spirit's proding, and so far it's served us her well.  But I pray every day that it will continue to.  Please oh please God protect these kids from the desires that they don't know what to do with.  Help them be obidient to You and want what You want for them.  Help me help my daughter when she's confused, angry, has emotions she's to young to understand.  Because as much as I fear her having a boyfriend and all the feelings and desires that come with that, I fear her heart breaking if he breaks up with her.

Remember when the kids were little and the work seemed so hard?  I thought those days were so difficult, never ending care, entertainment, carrying car seats and toddlers, tantrums at the worst possible times, sleep, food, lunches, all dictated by these tiny people!  It seems so desireable right at this moment.