Addiction. The word that has been the topic of post on both Natala's and Susie's sites lately. When a topic or post invades my thoughts so deeply I can't help but wonder what deeper lesson I'm to glean from it all.
How hard it is to deal with pain. How hard to trust that God will walk through the fire, the flood with us and that we are safe dealing with our wounds without the aid of _________(Fill in the blank). Who would want to? Who in their rite mind would willingly allow the waves of pain to wash over and engulf ones soul in the name of healing? Yet how else is healing achieved? Obviously the Cycle of addictions works in such a manner that at some point the initial catalyst is no longer visible through the fog of destruction. My mother drank to forget her pain, but at the end of her young life, cut mercilessly short by alcohol and drugs, I wonder if she remembered why she started. Was it sexual abuse, rejection, low self-esteem? The answer is yes to all, but no one remembered because so much damage was caused by her drinking that a whole new world of trouble was born. She herself no longer even knew what to seek healing for, so she drank more.
Yes, we live in such a world that the slightest discomfort is barely tolerable. I can't be hungry more than a few minutes before I'm eating, even if what I'm eating is not the best for my body. I'm bored, I spend money for the instant gratification and entertainment factor. I have the slightest pain, cramp, whatever and I'm looking for something to ease the pain. I see it in the generation I'm helping to raise. Every need must be met the minute detected or there is no joy. And where are we looking for joy? To empty, shallow sources that set the stage for addiction because they will never satisfy, so we think maybe more will do it. The amounts become greater. One order of fries is no longer enough, we super size them. A glass of wine doesn't relax us enough so we order the bottle instead of the glass. And stuff. This is no lie and no dig at the beautiful spirit in my life who does this, but I've been with a dear friend of mine as she spends thousands on a certain brand of jewelry. But guess what. It no longer is enough, and now we've been looking at a $65,000.00 ring. Why? When did the thousands of other things stop working? The truth is they never worked, but maybe this new ring will. But of course it won't, and where does one go from a ring that costs more than the down-payment on my first home?
It feels so hopeless to me at times. Face the agony, the grief, anger and trust that God in His wisdom will protect us, or numb our senses and never be done with the agony, the grief, and anger. The obvious choice is to trust. Yet I know from where I sit tonight I shiver in fright at facing what 9/11 has done to my family. I escaped this week. Here I am packing though, and in a few hours I'll be back in the real world where I'll have to walk the talk. I'll have to face my husband's loss, my overweight child, my older child who has more letters associated with her name than most doctors. (OCD, ADD, ADHD etc...) And I'll have to face the damage my own addictions have caused. My bank account, my overflowing closet, my relatives and friends who no longer love me. These issues will either cause me to turn to the One, or hide even deeper in the sins that help me forget, at least for a time, that I am a widow with no true family, a single mom who can't keep track of the mistakes I make, and a Christian who, at times, can't fathom why He'd give me the time of day.
There is something to be said for coming to the place where one knows that nothing tangible will feed or satisfy that hunger of spirit we all have. It seems to have taken the sting out of it for me. I still choose to take instant gratification of one sort or another to deal with life sometimes. But knowing that it is a conscious choice I am making has helped me choose it less. And I no longer beat myself up for choosing it. I do trust that God will continue to give me the strength to bring out of the shadows those places in my life where I would rather hide...the places that look life giving but are soul sickness. This probably isn't making any sense. All I know is that Jesus is not surprised by my desire for instant gratification instead of choosing to get life from Him. Sometimes I feel like He looks at me and says, "Why, of course, that is the natural human choice to make in the circumstances." Knowing that helps me turn to him on occasion instead of to my 'poison'.
Posted by: Hope | August 06, 2005 at 09:44 PM