I talked with Susie yesterday. We spoke of my life, my history, my children. She knows my story better than I know it myself at times. My anger, my posts about the fighting with my neighbors, the words I spoke and those spoken to me keep me from being who I want to be.
I read Natala's posts and am convicted and enlightened at the same time. Same as when I read Susie's.
I am the victim of abuse, of neglect, and more recently of terrorrism. In my need to protect myself and my children I do and say things that are not the best. I make choices daily that I wish I could change.
But being a victim doens't mean I have to stay a victim. Although I do believe I will be healing from the loss of my husband, the pain of a childhood that haunts me, and a serious of events after my husband's death in which the very people who were supposed to be there for me chose to slander me and attack me with their words, I have a choice to make. Perhaps the reason I spent so much time trying to come to terms with what my neighbors said to me and my response to them is because this is so new to me. While my husband was alive no one spoke to me the way they have since. I have felt like an inflatable clown that bounces up for blow after blow after blow. I've been called names, both to my face and behind my back, I've been told that my husband would be so disappointed in me. I've been called neglectful of my children for allowing my daugher to become overweight. I've been falsly accused, and not one person has been interested in the truth. So I'm sensitive where words are concerned. Not much provokes the monstor that sleeps inside me. My anger awakens with a tone, a word. And it doesn't settle back down easily.
Yet I have decided to look up. From this day forward, I look up. And when I do an amazing thing happens. It just doesn't matter. In His light I'm seen in truth and still accepted and loved. When He looks back at me it's with the tenderness that's been missing since my husband's death. I suddenly am driven to my knees in prayer. For forgiveness, for freedom, for the very people who have destroyed me with their words. I am overcome by His grace. If everyone only knew. Would it be so easy to harm others if we stayed in that posture? How can I judge when I am so humbled by the love that has set me free from judgement. Is there anything one man can do to another that is bigger than His love? When I look up instead of outward I see differently. It doesn't always take the sting out of anothers hurtful words, written or spoken, but it does allow me to choose a course of action. To retaliate, to harm, to harbor resentment. Or, to love in spite of, to forgive, to use situations as places to grow. The most amazing thing that happens when I look up? My focus is not on myself, but on the One who is always loving me. Trusting in His constant vigilance for my sake, I can bask in the peace that does indeed surpass all understanding.
I really appreciated this post. A good reminder to keep my eyes on Abba. I kept thinking about what my aunt says when I read your posts about your neighbors: The way a person reacts has more to do with *their* place on the journey than mine.
But it's even more important to keep my eyes on Abba while I'm on that journey.
It was cool to see your honest thoughts and how Abba was working through them with you. Thanks
Posted by: Val | August 16, 2005 at 06:09 PM