Here I am Again...

I feel like I've posted more in the last few days then ever.  Here is why.  I have all these thoughts swimming round my head.  Some days, I'm happy and I find myself wanting to post about how wonderful and amazing God is, others, like now, I'm not so happy and not quite sure how to find some good to write about.  But I feel like I will explode if I don't get it out of my system.

Here is the truth about single parenthood as I've come to live it.  I'm drowning.  There is not one area of my life that feels remotely in control.  My nine year old is seriously over weight.  I am sure there is a physical reason as I watch her eat all the time.  She loves food, but no more than her sister.  She used to fill up because she had an emptyness, but we've worked through many issues (Thanks S!) and it seems to me like she turns to food out of emptyness or boredom less and less.  I'm in charge of her diet, so I know she's not eating chips and soda all day.  She loves t.v and video games, and does share my tendancy toward laziness, but no more then it seems every other child.  So I need to get her to a doctor.  But I'm scared so I put it off.  Then I feel terrible for being such a lousy mom.  I love this child so deeply yet haven't done my best for her.  If her father were here, he'd have taken her and I would be able to share this burden. 

My house is not even three years old yet it looks more like ten.  I can't keep up with it.  Partly because Chris is here all the time again, and his kids are here every other weekend or more, as they have been lately.  Every room is a mess.  I have no idea where to begin getting this house the way we need it to be.  Again, if my husband were here I'd have help, someone to work alongside me and make it our project for our future.  But there is just me, trying to keep afloat in laundry, dishes, clutter, animals.  My kids have begun to help more and more, but I'm so far behind.

Emotionally, I cannot keep up with my kids moods.  I want them to find joy in this life.  I believe it can happen even after the events of 9/11,  but no matter what I do it's never enough.  Again, if my husband were here there would be two of us sharing the joys and burdens of raising these amazing girls, instead of me one step behind all the time.  I try to not let them see me upset, and lately that's been hard because I'm upset all the time.  When is it my turn to grieve?  Where can I go alone to cry my heart out where they won't either hear me or come looking for me?  I need to bang on something, scream, and there is no time to let it out.  I try to be there for them, but they seem to need so much more than I can give.  I carry around this exhaustion, it prevents me from making any real progress in my life.  Talk about cycles!  There needs to be time and boundaries, I get this.  But without my husband here to help me I don't know what to do.  How can I be so lost after almost four years?  Why is it so much harder now then in the early days.  And the anger.  Oh God I am so angry all the time.  How could he leave me to deal with this by myself?  Why did we get such a taste of this amazing man yet not get to keep him?  Why did my kids get to have such an amazing dad for such a short time?  My twelve year old said to me today that there have only been two people in her entire life that make her think of her Daddy.  She said, and I quote, "Really mommy, there just aren't many men like him in the world.".  I'm so glad she knows this, yet so sad at the same time.  I used to think it's better to have love and lost, but now I'm not so sure.  For in knowing what we lost the pain seems that much greater. 

Single parenting would be so much easier if I hadn't had such an amazing partner.  Keeping everything together by myself not so taxing if I had no one to lean on for so long.  My heart not so splintered if it had never been held together by so much love.  So much love.  How does someone go on without the better part of themselves?  How can my girls and I become a family again?  How will I ever know joy again. 

In the song we danced to at our wedding are these words:

Some may want to die young, young and gloriously.  Get it straight now mister, that ain't me.  Cause I have something on my mind, that sets me straight and walking proud, and I want all the time, all the Heaven will allow.

I guess in the end that was all we had, all the time heaven allowed us.

Back to single parenting.  I'm struggling, and today in a desperate moment looked up Mail Order Brides!  But without my husband's financial guidence I can't afford one.  Again, another area where I can't seem to get it right.  He took care of me.  Maybe that makes me sound weak, don't know and don't care, I just know that without him everything seems so wrong.  I have so many mistakes to un-do.  When I was posting about addiction I wrote about the damage caused preventing the real healing to take place.  That's how I feel right here, right now.  How can I get to the place of healing when I have done so much damage and have so much work ahead of me just to get on level ground?  Am I going about it wrong?  Should I let the house fall apart, not worry about money, enlist some help, and concentrate on healing?  I just keep feeling that if I can get my girls healthy, my house and finances together, then I would be able to focus on my heart and spirit. 

My heart is broken.  My heart aches.  I cry myself to sleep every night.  I have painful longings that I know will never be fulfilled.  I pray that I will dream about him, afraid every night that I won't.  Then I do and when I wake up my heart is broken all over again.

I wish this didn't happen to us.

Comments

[Val]

I just started reading your blog after you left such a thoughtful, understanding comment on mine...

I wonder if you ever thought--"How am I going to do this?" And I want to say that if you ever did, to be encouraged because you ARE doing it. It might not be perfect... but day by day you ARE putting one foot in front of the other. Your kids are going to know how loved they are. They're going to know that being real is more important than looking perfect. And that is a gift.

I know it's hard. I can't imagine what life is like in your shoes. I don't pretend to know what you're going through, and perhaps what I said isn't relevant to where you are... but I wanted you to know that I think you are remarkable.

Thank you for showing me that grief is hard, and messy, and unquantifiable, and that that is ok.

--Val