I took a friend to church on Sunday. She has deep wounds that cause her to run, from calm, herself, her life and especially God. She doesn't like feeling bad about herself she says. So she avoids church, because she always feels worse when she's there. She visits a few times, but once she's sitting with no where to run the ramifications of the choices she makes floods her, and for that moment she vows she'll be different. She will be "better". She will change habits, She will be a better role model for her daughter. She will pray more, spend less and never cuss again. Oh how I try to tell her that all she has to do is accept Him, let Him love her, heal her. She wept thinking of all her errors, and I know she thinks that she has to be different before she can walk with Him. I pray she someday slows down enough to see Him beside her the way she is now. I pray she forgives herself enough to allow Him in. So used to having to perform I don't think she can grasp the message of His life. When I talk to her she's so sure people are judging her. Even if they are does it mean He is? Does it mean He can't love her?
I used to think it would be so cool to "convert" someone. How awesome it would be to be used that way. Pride. I see her broken heart and now I just want her to find peace. As she sat next to me weeping I thought on the irony and sadness of her life. She just wants to be loved, and yet doesn't love herself enough to reach out for the most amazing love out there. I don't know if anything will change. I talked with her today and she seemed caught up with all the running as usual. But she wept, and that's got to mean sonething.
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