Maybe "Epiphany" is a strong word, since it's not really a religious awakening but more of a personal spiritual one. But since the purpose of this site is to chronicle the transformation of my spirit it does seem fitting to write about it here.
I don't want to build it up, but I finally understand something I've been obtuse about for a long time now. I have always wondered why things bother me the way they do. I am always angry, frustrated or confused about the people in my life. I don't understand why they say the things they say, do the things they do and why what seems to roll of others backs gets stuck and absorbed on mine.
The other day I was talking with the man I'm involved with and he had this laundry list of things I've done, not done or said I would but didn't. He was right about lots of stuff. I did say I would fill our restaurant's vases and didn't. I never found the time since I am with my kids literally all the day. He also was correct about my inability to manage money. How I live and spend has long since been a mystery to him. He says he worries about me, and I believe him, but don't feel that he has the right to judge me for it. I don't live a typical life, can't live a typical life, and keep wondering why I surround myself with people who place expectations on me that in my situation I can't meet. Then they get angry at me and I allow the words used against me to cause me to doubt and feel less then.
So the epiphany. I am deeply grieved and traumatized about my husband's death, and may never be able to do more than the basic things to get my girls and I through a day. I moved into situations that had I not been dealing with his death would be a cake walk. But I am dealing with his death. I can't expend energy for a relationship that doesn't nourish my soul or my kids, I can't give of my time because the most important things are that my daughters and I find peace and have well being. I don't have a strong back bone to deal with the disappointment my life seems to cause him and his family. And I'm tired of the humiliation as they stand in judgment wondering why I don't work there, why I don't take his troubled kids full time, why I don't know what they want from me when they never tell me.
None of these issues are anyone's fault but mine. I see now that I've moved forward physically but not emotionally, not spiritually. I am not healthy enough to deal with "normal" life. If I don't take the time and do it now than when? If I don't begin to search for wholeness for myself than how can I guide my girls into wholeness? So everything else will have to wait. Maybe I'll be able to bear responsibility again, maybe I won't. But I will no longer open my self up to other's judgment. Those who have no idea what this life feels like can keep their opinions to themselves. As far as his laundry list, well as I told him if there are so many things "wrong" with what I do and how I do it clearly I'm not the right person for his life. I'm OK with that too. I love him and wouldn't want him to have to spend his life with someone who clearly can't do what he needs. It will be a nice break to go a day without hearing what's wrong with me, when all that's wrong, the very core of the issues I have is the loss of my husband through terrorism, and these are mine. The only people I think I'll allow in my life are those who understand and have grace for those parts of my life that aren't working yet.
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