lifematters

THE MEANING OF LIFE

Finding Love

The words sound so wonderful, and the feeling amazing!  But what about all the complications?  How does one navigate through the maze of people and situations when it's complicated, and let's face it, but the time we are in our 40's it's not as simple as that first time.  Now there is baggage, exes, kids. 

Of course this doesn't have to be a negative, and if anything, in my case, it's more a positive because I have children whose father died when they were very young, and to be able to give them an example of a healthy love is a gift.  One they may not want just yet, but a gift none the less. 

I titled this the way I did, and am keeping it short for the simple fact love is the meaning of life.  We were not put here to be alone, and even those things that are strictly mine mean more with someone to share them with.  No, I'm not young anymore, not like the first time I discovered how much joy love can bring, and since my husband's death I've put it out of my mind because I didn't think I'd find anything close enough to bring such meaning back and that thought scared the shit out of me.  And don't be fooled, time doesn't always heal all wounds.  I carry one around with me daily.  However love is good medicine, and coupled with time I am waking up to the fact that a life without love is one, at least for me, that is void of meaning.

Oh These Wonderful Teenage Years!!

I'm blessed.  In a world filled with kids on drugs, kids who for very legit reasons come home to an empty house while parents work like mad to support the ridiculous price of living.  I'm blessed because my 11 and 15 year olds are sober, have a stay at home mom, and are excelling at school.  So I'm blessed.

Now, before I brag anymore, I have to add that there are days when I feel cursed.  Having lost my husband on 9/11, there are many things I simply can't cope with.  By now, the plan was I would have a part-time job while the the kids were in school.  I'm somewhat social so I was looking forward to something were I could put in a few hours a day, have some adult time, and be home in time to pick up the kids and take care of life matters after I met some of my own.  Six years later and I still have yet to continue on the path he and I had laid before us.  I have very little energy, very little desire, and most importantly, a fifteen year old.  She and her sister are the lights of my life, and the reason I've been able to go on after the death of my husband, but I have no idea what I'm doing lots of times!  I thought, wrongly I see now, that by now my ability to have some free time would increase, but now seems to be a time when she is able to make worse choices than ever.  Older kids don't see her as little, or young, so her ability to have older friends has increased, I've nursed her through two breakups, both left her a little defeated and aware of the fact that, (forgive me Mick) you can't always get you want.  I have been blessed to be able to be here when she chooses to talk.  If I bring it up all hell breaks loose, but if I just make myself available where ever she is she opens up. 

Her friends are playing this little game of hanging out with him while pretending not to, and hanging out with her and referring to him as "some kid we know" when they talk about him in front of her.  I keep my mouth shut.  She doesn't need to know that the boy she loved for over a year is around. 

She has attitude I never thought she did!!  If I ask the wrong question at the wrong time I'm in the dog house.  And she experiments with all the four letter words she can think of, in lots of combos.  She has wicked PMS, and nothing I can say can convince her she's not fat, ugly or unloved during those days.  It's hard on her, it's hard on me.  In fact, watching her discover life's disappointments is probably harder than giving birth was!

Yet still I know I'm blessed, because I'm the one who gets the awesome job of being there for her.  Yes I thought by now things would be easier, not harder, but I'm the one who gets to at least try to make this world a bit more easy for both my kids to navigate.  I'm the one who gets to try, even if it's to no avail, to let her know she's beautiful, smart, funny, loved.  I'm the one.  A blessing indeed.   

Learning Something New

So I'm learning new things all the time.  Things about myself, my children, and even my animals!  For instance, my dog knows how to open cupboards when he wants a treat, and whenever I come home from even the shortest absence all the cat food is gone and he looks guilty.  My daughter's cat loves to box and hates to be held, and runs around with straws in her mouth making all the money I spend on cat toys seem worthless!

Lately I've felt the need for new things in my life.  My girls are getting older, life is getting more redundant, and I've become stagnate in my day to day life.  I did take up knitting.  I told myself I did it so I could be a help for my youngest should she need it, but the truth is she's gotten my out of so many jams and taught me more than I'll ever be able to show her!  I want to travel and am sad that we are not going to this spring, which is when we normally do, and I want to go back to school even if I take a class that has nothing to do with my life! I tend to think of all this as positive.  I still have times where I pass out by 8 and everyone is left to fend for themselves, and when I feel too many people needing too much from me.  Overall though, I know it's time to discover what I want to do and do it.

Another Try!

Yep, I'm trying my hand again at blogging, after a very long hiatis.  This time out was not intentional, but very neccessary.  With so much going on at once, and even more being added, I just found myself frozen solid.  OK, so I'm kind of melting now, and looking around my home makes me question my sanity in the act of sitting and writing but I've watched all my TiVoed shows, played all my computer games till my fingers are blue and I guess now it's time to face the music.  I have been mommy-ing, which just proves God's grace in that while life swirls around in the toilet bowl for an extended period of time before finally making that last swish my daughters, and even Chris's kids, have remained clothed, fed, loved and educated.  If I haven't been able to do anything else I'm ok with that.

The reason for my need to escape into the world of repeated tv shows and mindless computer games is simply a broken heart.  Nothing fancy, nothing more than the discovery that even those who are "on our side" will choose themselves every time, no matter what the consequences to the ones they supposedly love.  To put it bluntly, Chris's family has hung me out to dry on a number of matters, and when I tried to talk to his sister, with tears streaming down my face, the only thing she said was "well just as long as you weren't talking bad about me".?!  No "how can I help", or "I'm sorry".  Just a concern for herself.  I have been emotionally put through the ringer in the last two months, had my entire life frozen, litterally, bank accounts, retirement accounts, everything needed for daily living, I can't even buy groceries right now, and this is what she is concerned about.  I've got more legal fees than I can imagine, and she's worried about what I'm saying, which by the way isn't even one word since I have no one I'd talk to about her anyway.  Well, now except anyone who may be reading this!!!  Her words regarding my teenager's broken heart were "well that's what you get for letting her like a boy".  As if, even though we can set rules and boundaries we can actually prevent the boy craziness that sucks the life out of previously responsible, intelligent young women.  His entire family has no idea of the toll their words and deeds of the last few months has taken on me, and honestly don't want to hear it.  When I try to talk they deny, excuse, turn it around with a simple "well you______(fill in the blank)".  They have no empathy for what they have put me through, no idea how to say "sorry", which is all I would need to put things right.  So, am I broken hearted about the state of my frozen accounts?  No, because that will all be put right.  I'm just so sad, so very, very sad that I trusted people who abused that trust. 

My life, my marriage to Lenny made me forget for awhile that people will hurt you.  I had forgotten to keep my guard up.  How do we get past having our hearts broken?  Yes God is good, and His provision has been nothing short of supernatural, but as I sit here nursing my ulcer and taking twelve pills a day to try to manage that, I can't help but hear those words in my head over and over:  "Just as long as you're not saying anything bad about me".  I feel so sorry for her inability to selflessly love.  So yes, my heart is broken.

I'm Baacckk....

Well, sort of back.  The last few weeks have been rough, and to try to write about it all now would require more time than I have right now!  I'm off to see a lawyer, nothing drastic but distressing none the less.  My Jessica has found a way to take her mind off the boy who dumped her and caused her a multitude of pain.  Instead of plotting his demise, which I could have lived with, she has since discovered that a guy who has liked her for a year now is suddenly the cat's meow.  Now this is not to give the impression that she jumped into a relationship with him, since she's 13 and not really allowed to "date".  The reason she and Spencer were allowed to call each other "boyfriend and girlfriend" was because we trusted him, new his family, knew the values he was being raised with, and he showed nothing but the utmost respect for her.  Most importantly, he held to the same religious beliefs and goals as we do, which may be a bit naive but did bring us a peace.  This is not to say that those who don't hold to the same beliefs we do are out of the picture, but when it comes to young love and the issue of purity you kind of want someone who is on the same page.  Is it every parent's dream to have their daughter be married in white and mean it?  In Passport to Purity the authors talk about how with every part of yourself you give away now it's one thing less you have to offer when the right person is on the scene.  I know there are some things I wish I could re-do!  Jessica is being raised this way, and this kid is not.  Jessica sees a bigger picture, this kid has a hissy fit when he doesn't get his way.  Jess is being brought up to put God and family first, our new boy toy has told me that every time he leaves his house he has to lie to his folks, and though he attends a Christian school it is more a last resort on the part of his folks than a choice made to re-enforce home beliefs.  He says he feels the same way about God as she does, but his actions shout the opposite.  Her response when we talked about all this:  I'm going to tell him all this when he asks me out.  Now, first of all she's not going out with anyone, secondly, it is not her job to try to change him but to demonstrate through the way she lives what she believes and to tell him why if he asks.  But, she likes him soooo much and somehow I guess I'm supposed to be OK with that.  Let the fireworks begin!

So then there is the issue of this pesky ulcer that has left me bed-ridden and sick.  Seriously, I feel like I have the flu and electric shocks running through my joints.  The medicine, while a modern miracle I understand, makes me feel like throwing up is a competitive sport.  2 antibiotics, three pills, twice a day.  2 tummy pills, also twice a day.  So about ten pills a day.  My glands were so swollen that my hearing went.  No lie, glands pushing in so hard on my sinuses and ear drums so deeply that I felt like someone pushed the mute button on my world.  Though that's getting better, the wonderful side effects that such high doses of antibiotics leave many females with just feels like insult to injury!  So basically from my head to my, well, lower half, there is a site of discomfort on each level.  And the fatigue is mind and body numbing.  I pick up car pool and feel like a swam a mile.  A shower, that's it for the day.  And poor Colette, she has been keeping me company, but I can hardly muster the energy to converse with her, something that we both enjoy so much.  At this point she just sits on my bed with me doing her homework and watching cartoons, asking me to watch this and that with her, and though I can fake it for awhile it's not long before her words get jumbled in my head, what I can hear anyway, and we're having two different conversations.  Bless her soul, she's so loving she keeps making me things and bringing me her stuffed friends to snuggle.  Her love warms my heart so much.  Even Jessica, in the middle of what I would call the hardest stage and issues we've ever gone through, has softened toward me and is checking up on me.  Of course, she's still wanting rides everywhere, money, and her laundry done, but hey, at least she's being nicer these days!  Is this what it takes?  Seriously, do I have to run myself into the ground and become so ill I can't function in order for her to show some selflessness?  Are all teenagers this self focused?  And why oh why did I think mine would be any different?  I feel so blessed in so many ways with both my girls, they do well in school, they love God and most of the time they make wise choices.  They don't fight often, and Jessica looks after Colette even when Colette is being a bit bratty to her.  But this boy stuff, the broken heart and the new love interest, this I can't deal with.  I know I have to and I will, but wow is it harder having a teenager than I ever imagined.  I have said "I wish Lenny were here" more times in the last few months than in all the years put together since he died.  Man do I wish he were here to help me raise these children.  To help discipline when the disrespect that seems to mark this age rears it's ugly head.  To help love, carry some of the emotional weight of the pain and confusion of this age.  And to listen to me.  To listen to my fears, share my joys and not only advise me on what to do but help me do it.  But ya, mostly to listen.  I'm afraid.  I'm sad.  I'm angry.  The truth of the matter is besides him I can't really think of anyone who cares.  Yes Chris does, but he gets very focused on his stuff.  Lenny's stuff was us, so it was all in a day of life.  God, family, home and work.  But mostly family.  Always family.  After seeing so many men, fathers, and how they are with their kids I can see now why so many thought of Lenny as such an amazing father.  I'm not alone in that train of thought. 

Well so much for my short post!  Sorry if it's on a downward note, but hey, it's my life right now so anything else would be a lie.

I miss you guys!

Is MySpace Stupid?

My daughter says it is.  She was doing the whole MySpace thing for awhile, but after seeing a picture and a few words from some girl to her then boyfriend she decided, very wisely, why put herself through that?  When she announced that she was no longer going to use myspace, and I knew why but asked her regardless  what her motives were, she said "it's so stupid and a waste of my time".  Now, I'm her mother so I know that that's only part of her reason.  However, after going through her friends sites, they all know by the way, (I'd do it regardless to make sure no one is being stupid since it's such a great place to screw up your life and I care too much for my kid and her friends to not spy!), I discovered that it's true.  It can be really stupid.  People write to people, some they know and some they don't, and before long the whole thing is this time consuming soap opera.  And I point and click  and point and click and before I know it I've spent hours finding out who is mad at who and why, who is hooking up with who and who wants to hook up, and I don't even know some of these people!  I start getting angry when I see people write about my daughter or her friends, even if it's nothing major.  So then I start becoming obsessed with it all.  Maybe some people are just born to be addicted to something.  Maybe some people can get on a site like MySpace and just check it every once in awhile and meet some cool people or use it for IM-ing purposes.  Not me!  And with the the whole computer world, that sense of anonymity is gone with MySpace, because most don't try to hide their identity, so things could really get taken out of context and make more trouble than any of it's worth.  I'm almost forty and I've had my feelings hurt from some comments I've read, so I cannot imagine what it's like to be on there as a highly sensitive teen.  Or, since everyone posts pictures of themselves and others how safe it really is. 

I guess for now my answer, for totally personal reasons and with no judgment for those who may feel differently, since I'm sure I will at some point too, is yes, MySpace is stupid, or at least in my life has become stupid.  And I'll tell you something.  I'm relieved it is for Jessica too.  Not just because of her breakup, but because I think her whole life will be better without the soap opera.

Of course, on a last note, her ex-boyfriend has had a change of heart, but so has she and she seems really to be moving on.  To quote her infinite and sage wisdom, "It is what it is, and I can't dwell on it.  What ever is meant to be will be, so why worry?".  Sometimes I'm so humbled by my child.

What A Day

First, I would like to thank everyone who thought of us, sent us your thoughts and prayers.  As predicated, it was tough and yet greatly satisfying to know that our country, and others as well, (hey Lisa!), were paying tribute to a day that changed the lives of so many on a personal level, as well as changed the world and how things are done regarding travel, safety, other things. 

There are always a million things about the time leading up to the day as well as the day itself that spin around and around in my mind, but this, watching our President embrace my children, cry, even give me a hug, sort of express it better than anything I could ever write.  I heard it's an honor to meet the First Family, and I know this is true.  They were sincerely emotional, devastated and kind to those of us gathered to watch as they lay a wreath to acknowledge that horrific day.  It is, however, an honor I'd pass up in a second to have my husband back with us.  While I am grateful for these moments that my children have to know that our most important leaders pay tribute to the loss of their daddy, I wish we could be looking at photos of him hugging others from the comfort of our home with Lenny right next to us.  But it's not to be.  It is my children being hugged and others looking on.  It is my children who, after the events and the remembrances, will go home and get back to the business of life without dad.  And though Mr. Bush was the kindest, warmest and most compassionate of anyone I've met as a result of the 9/11 attacks, I would take my husband over this moment any day of the week.  I'm told we did bring a tear to his eye.  I know we shed plenty that day, and just about everyday since we lost Lenny.

The End

For over one year Jessica "was going with" Spencer.  I've blogged about it many times, since it was her first experience with the whole boy/girl thing.  Though they've been through a multitude of experiences, none of them physical by the way, while Spencer was away this summer he decided it was time to end things.  His family gave him an amazing level of trouble over his relationship with Jess, mistaking every thing she said and worried that Jessica somehow controlled his actions.  Oh, the love her, and are proud of his choice, they say anyway, but Spencer is too easily controlled and they want him to be an independent thinker.  I suppose that's why I have to chuckle when I heard the words he used to break up with and break my daughter's heart.  They were the exact words that have been force-fed him from the start.  I guess it's OK if they control his thoughts, just no one else. 

I really liked Spencer.  He respected my daughter, never tried anything with her, just a sweet kid.  But something happened to him while away.  He didn't come back the same person.  I'm not just saying this because of his decision, but everyone seems to notice a coldness, an edge.  Maybe spending time in his old stomping ground reminded him of what his old life was like.  Painfully I have to admit there was another girl chasing him, one from his past, and I can tell from her comments on his MySpace that they were more than friends.  Now, I don't like him so much anymore.

My daughter is both devastated and the strongest person I know.  She has cried more in the last week than I can remember her ever crying before, and "I'm so sad Mommy" keeps pouring out of her lips.  She had to start school and face the anniversary of her father's death with this breakup, yet she doesn't want to run.  She is holding her head high.  I see her pain and I've cried more in the last week too.  I hate that he did this to her, yet I always knew the day would come.  I just hoped she would be the dumper and not the dumpee.

ADDICTION!!!

Yes, this is the first time I've posted in the "Games" category.  And with good reason.  Would you want to admit to an addiction on a public forum?  Well ok then.  Yep, I'm addicted and I offer no excuses.  It's all Chris's fault anyway, since being the computer wizard he is he showed me how to end the task when I began faltering and how to come back to a place where I am loaded with gems.  So now I never have to give in to the laws of the game, I can always stay one step ahead.  HA!

Ok, this is not good.  I can't stop yet all around me are unfinished tasks, unfolded laundry,  unmade beds, kids who walk by, see me on the computer and assuming I'm doing work keep on walking.  Meanwhile, I clear another level!  I've been late for appointments, missed the garbage man, not answered the phone, and worse, not slept at night, because it's so much easier to play when the house is quiet!  I think I need help, but right now I'm going back to my game, so I'll have to get some later...

And hey, at least I posted.

Hank

Hank...

I was thinking of what category to post this under, and that's when I realized that death is part of the day to day that makes life, well, life.  Without death, without the knowledge that this life is finite, would we live the same?  I know for myself that I'm more thankful now for things, don't want one experience to pass me by, value people, respect myself and feel love more deeply now than I did before Lenny died, back when I sailed on with the feeling that status quo would never be altered.

I don't know exactly when Hank got sick.  I don't know if he always knew and never told anyone, or if it was news to him and his family as well.  I don't know what prompted me to call an old friend out of the blue while at the beach, only to be told that the day before our common friend had died.  I don't know why I was morbidly searching obits the week before looking for another's name when in fact I was one house down from the person whose name I should have been looking for.  Literally one house away, next door neighbors.  I don't claim any sixth sense or special power.  I just missed someone very dear and felt strongly that it was time to reach out. 

Hank left behind a large group of folks to mourn him.  He was kind, the sort of kindness that comes from the heart, not the sort that comes from trying to do whats right.  Those who are so genuine force us to respond in like manner.  He sat with me the day Lenny died, sat and said nothing for a long time.  Sat outside with me while my home filled with the busy-ness of death.  My fridge was filled, calls made and answered, T.Vs turned on and off to keep up with the news of that day yet trying not to overwhelm.  Meanwhile, Hank and I sat in the silence that was only broken when he told me that I didn't owe anyone inside any part of myself. Words that have stayed with me as I've tried to get through these past five years.  Now it's my turn to remind his beautiful wife the same thing, and make sure she knows they are her beloveds words.

I will always miss you Hank.