Spiritside

Truth

Thoughts inspired by a loving soul who is braver than anyone I know. 

If you knew the truth, would you still love me?  If you knew the thoughts that are in my head? 

If I said I didn't know what I believed, would I still be welcome?  If I didn't go to Bible study, or church suppers, would I still be the same person in your eyes?

If you knew that I lived "in sin" before I was married, and didn't consider it "sin", would I suddenly become "not the person you thought I was"? 

Do you see me?  The real me, the one who listens to secular music as well as hymns, the one who loves the Bible and yet reads "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"?  I am both of these people.  I love "Rent", even took my daughter to see it to raise her awareness.  Would you judge me because I am not afraid of what is in the world?  Is it wrong to acknowledge that those with different sexual orientations may love The Father The Son The Holy Ghost as much as those who sit in the pew next to me? 

Does going to the "right" church make it OK to say whatever you want about whom ever you want?  Does standing with a large group in your beliefs mean that you are right?  Can two or three standing in their beliefs be just as right?  Is there room for all of what has happened in this world since it's inception, created by a mighty hand, to find love? 

God loves the gay.  God loves the straight.  God loves the drug addict, gambler, over spender, under tither, the weak, the strong, the unwed mother, the abusive father, the man woman child who have yet to even hear of Him.  How far do we go to spread the word?  Why would you stand there, saying those things against your brother or sister, when if you really love God that much, so much that you are offended by his or her questions, you aren't out on the field, reaching those who don't have the luxury of Christian T.V, Christian radio, church?  If we put our money where are mouths are do we come up broke?  Is it so easy to see Aids as punishment from God, terrorist attacks as His judgment, hurricanes as His way of getting our attention?  Do we remember what He sacrificed?  Does One who loves that sacrificially long to punish those He sacrificed for?  How easy it is to hate the "different" when you see yourself as "right".  Is there just one way to love Him, only one sort in many forms?  I pray God forgives us for what we decide is His will, His view, His way.  His ways are perfect.

The problem, it seems, is not that God's love is flawed, but that ours is.

Being Blessed By Another

I have managed to find an amazing array of blogs to read.  Through this medium I have found friends, brothers and sisters in the Lord, and some amazing insight.  The most amazng part of all this is that when I look back and see how I found these people, it's clear to me that it's been divine intervention on all fronts.  There is no other way I would have found you guys any other way. 

I am so relational it isn't even funny, yet in order to be strong spiritually I find I need to balance that with time alone.  Here I have found those who totally get that.  I love the Lord with all my heart, and believe that even though there have been some "valley of the shadow of death" moments He loves me and my family with all His heart, which considering who He is is pretty amazing.  His love has saved me, litterally and spiritually.  When the posts on suffering were written over at Wild Flower Meadows  I knew God was showing me I'm not alone.  Here is an amazing soul, unafraid of being herself, clearly going through her own stuff, yet even in that reaching out to others, so that her pain is not wasted.  The days in which I read that series of posts I needed to hear everything that was written.  I'm amazed and awed every time I discover one more soul out there who understands who I am.

There is also, at times, an inappropriate side to me, and at certain sites I find good, God loving people who enjoy life and bring joy to their readers with crazy antics and funny stories.  Those who aren't afraid of saying the wrong thing, but honor God by being who they are.  Yet again, clearly from their writing always, always, seeking Him first, living in the knowledge of His grace, and blessing their readers with strong, biblical truths.  Challenging me to stop and decide what I'm going believe, and how I will live out of those convictions. 

There was a woman in my life until last December.  We had been close friends for awhile, and I thought we'd be friends forever.  Truly I thought she was someone I would always know.   After we had a falling out of sorts (she saw my inability to spend the week her mom was in town doing things she needed me to do as my not being availalble to her, and she continued to speak verbally abusive words regarding my daughters and Chris since my obligations to them are why i couldn't drop everything for her) she has been so mean and hurtful.  It made me think back on our friendship and what I discovered frightened me.  I tolerated a lot of verbal abuse and judgemnt myself for the sake of our friendship.  I truly thought I was being a blessing to her and her child, so I let a lot of things go that actually left some deep wounds.  And though letting this friendship run it's natural course into the world of ended relationships, I found that people I let in my life, and those who I've discovered here, in the bloggers world, bless me beyond words, and the newer and older friends I've made here eased much of the pain from the loss of who I thought this person was to me as well the physical loss of having a friend to hang out with.    So while I have lonely moments, I also revel in the blessings God has given here. 

Jessica and Spencer Sitting in a Tree....Not!

tonight i took my daughters and a friend's children shopping at the mall.  We had fun trying to figure out what to buy who, how to sneak bags around so no would guess what they were, or where they were from.  my twelve year old is in the interesting position of "going out" with the brother, pictured, of her best friend.  My nine year old is also friends with and in class with this family's 9 year old, and believe it or not there are two more boys close in age that they all get along with, along with a seventeen year old who adores my nine year old.  Needless to say this family is quite the blessing to us.

So we're walking, talking, laughing, when suddenly it dawns on me.  My daughter and Spencer are holding hands!!!!  He is holding my daughter's hand.  I've heard he does this, but seeing it for the first time was, well, weird.  Hard to tell from the photo but she's twelve and he's thriteen.  He looks much older, and the first time he showed up at my house I thought he was seventeen or so and ready to bang him over the head with something hard and metal.  or a rolling pin.  or a 2x4.  Either way the only reason I gave my ok to this "relationship" was because at the time he lived four hours away.  How could I know he was moving up here, and would eventually be in her class, her church, her youth group?  I'll tell ya something else.  I really like him.  I don't always want to, but I DO!!!  He loves God.  He respects her limits, which presently I'm ok with since I don't think he's done more then hug her and hold her hand.  I know he thinks he's kissing her on her birthday, which is Valentine's Day.  But we'll see.....

I guess what this display brought to mind was the fact that she wants to hold his hand.  It doesn't gross her out.  Some day other things won't gross her out and then what?  She is sensitive to the Spirit's proding, and so far it's served us her well.  But I pray every day that it will continue to.  Please oh please God protect these kids from the desires that they don't know what to do with.  Help them be obidient to You and want what You want for them.  Help me help my daughter when she's confused, angry, has emotions she's to young to understand.  Because as much as I fear her having a boyfriend and all the feelings and desires that come with that, I fear her heart breaking if he breaks up with her.

Remember when the kids were little and the work seemed so hard?  I thought those days were so difficult, never ending care, entertainment, carrying car seats and toddlers, tantrums at the worst possible times, sleep, food, lunches, all dictated by these tiny people!  It seems so desireable right at this moment.

MEOWWWW!!! I'm So Pissed!

And not just my usual run of the mill pissed either. 

I want you all to know two things before I begin.  First, I am going to be talking about wrongs I suffered at the hands of my neighbors, and may sound a bit hypocritical as I describe them. Second, I am trying with all my strength and heart to not gossip, but in order to clearly describe this event and why it's upset me to the point of writing about it I will, undoubtedly, sound gossipy.  I ask for your patience and understanding as I explain why this situation has me freaking out.

The other night while I was throwing the frisbee for our dog with my youngest my neighbor stormed over.  Apparently while her 14 year old was watching our animals my dog had gone into her flower bed and dug.  There were also some other things that happened that her daughter couldn't handle, and she was so angry at me.  She spoke so rude to me in front of my child, and used very passive aggressive ways to hurt my feelings.  One of the issues that came up was the replacement of my dogs collar for the invisible fence we share.  When I told her that I wouldn't have the $300.00 it would cost until next month she said "ya, you look real poor".  The history here is that I do dress differently then her, not better or worse, just different, and was wearing some jewelry I had made in remembrance of my husband.  So maybe I looked dressy, I don't know.  Regardless, she than very condescendingly questioned how I do things with my animals.  And, in the same "I'm so much better than you" tone reminded me that she had told me to write everything down for her daughter, which I did, but she couldn't find, and that everything that went wrong while I was gone was my fault for not "following her orders".  After I thought about her words and tone I decided to walk next door and tell her that if she had a problem with me that we can talk, she doesn't have to be hurtful.  At that point she ordered me off her property, and her husband came out and started threatening me.  (I still am not really sure what the issue is here.  That her daughter couldn't find my note?  That the dog dug?) 

OK.  Here's the history that makes this situation so frustrating to me.  I have been her friend when others would not.  Here's the gossip.  Her husband has been unfaithful for the length of their marriage.  She knows this, and has said directly that while it hurts she thinks they look good together, along with their two daughters, and doesn't want anyone to think their life is not perfect.  I'm not kidding.  She thinks that as long as they look good all will be well.  Her one daughter attempted suicide, failed, and in her anger toward her parents moved out at seventeen and has since has been doing better.  Her other child, my daughter's close friend, is so depressed that she's gained weight, hides, hasn't said a word to her father in months, and is always in trouble for not wanting to spend time with them.  If she doesn't want to eat at the table with him she doesn't get to eat.  If she doesn't want to watch t.v at night with them she's sent to her room for the night.  She was over here all the time for a while, and I included her many times in many activities with my girls, but when they decided they didn't like this they told her I said I didn't want her over anymore.  I never said that, but I could tell she was feeling torn wanting to believe her mom yet knowing I'd never say that that I only contradicted it once.  We carpooled, and many times she "corrected" my oldest in ways that were the same passive aggressive crap that left her teary eyed, and even forgot my child once.  Every time I said I think it was time for us to bail the car pool she'd whine about how much harder her life would be without my help, so I stayed and just picked up every day so my kids wouldn't have to be subjected to her ways.  I've never bad-mouthed her husband, even when my other neighbor confided in me that he has tried to seduce her.  I've prayed and cried with her when it all got to be to much. 

So here I sit, spoken to as if I'm worse than the dirt on her shoes.  Here I sit, remembering the tone and threats her unfaithful husband used on me, wondering if it's even worth doing or saying anything.  At times I've felt such pity for her that I've wept.  Right now I'm angry and think who are they to be so self righteous.  She's chosen a man for reasons I don't understand to the detriment of her children.  I wasn't even in town when my dog dug, and her child was the one who had volunteered to help.  Yet it's my fault. 

She wants to "dialog".  I don't think I'm ready to be in the same room with her yet because I know I'll say something mean, not only lowering myself to their level, but disappointing myself and worse, setting a bad example for my girls.  And I don't want to be an angry Christian.  I don't want to be in sin in this situation.  I want to please Him in how I handle this.  I just don't know how.

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs..

My daughter asked me a very interesting question yesterday.   "Mom, how many times has Chris said he was going to do something but didn't?".  She asked because as we were making our way to the mailbox I commented on how much better our grass looks since I hired someone to do it rather then wait for him to get around to it.  I told her I really didn't know a number, but there are  a few.  "But", I started, "love doesn't keep a record of wrongs".  I lied!  Of course love might now, but humans certainly do!!!  Probably a few times a week he says he'll take out the trash, mow the lawn, pick something up at the store, and every time he doesn't it goes onto my mental score card.  Funny, even if the score card isn't in my thoughts at the moment, as soon as I see him it flashes right back into site with crystal clarity. 

Forgiveness is a tough one for our family.  Having been violated in the worst possible way, loosing our husband/father/son/brother, we are quite the angry unforgiving bunch.  How can I teach my children to forgive when i can't imagine a time when I will.  Intellectually I understand the circumstances surrounding his death, but emotionally I'm not ready.  I still marvel at the fact that there are people in our world who hurt, kill, humiliate, rape and abuse deliberately without any remorse!  Yet love keeps no record of wrong.  Oh Lord, help me find the true meaning of these words.  Help me not to harbor hate and allow the bitterness that threatens to take over have its way.  Yes people murder, rape, abuse, but if they asked they'd have the same forgiveness I revel in daily.  If it is possible, heal us so we may live out Your will for us.

Ya, Chirs doesn't always do what he says he will, but honestly, neither do I.

The Need to Attack

Ok, so maybe the picture is a little harsh for what I'm thinking about, or maybe it fits with the spirit of what's on this woman's mind tonight. 

I sit and ponder why so many people, so many relationships have an adversarial tone to them.  I'm constantly amazed by the way one human being will talk to another.  Or how one person who has flaws, sin and everything else that we all have sets himself above so that nothing is ever that persons fault.  What makes us so insecure that even with those we are in intimate relationship with we still need to attack and defend ourselves. I struggle so much with how we use our words with one another.  With one sentence I can make somebody tremble with joy or break their heart and make them feel ugly.  Aren't we all aware of this power our words and actions have?  Shouldn't we be protecting our loved ones at any cost against the hurt others can cause them, instead of being the one from whom they need protection?  Yes, tonight a simple case of hurt feelings, mine, has led me to write, but that doesn't negate that for years now I've marveled t how we cause harm to one another with careless words.  Tonight the water in my basement rose and carpet is now soaked.  This happened because while the storm was doing it's damage my daughters and I were cuddled up in my bed under the covers with the lights off marveling at God's amazing power.  Since we haven't flooded in the last three storms I figured we were safe.  Then he came home and noticed how I "neglected" to check, and now the floor is wet.  The first thing he felt it necessary to do was assign blame and make me feel stupid.  Instead of asking what I was doing it was more important to find someone to blame, me, and use his words to make me feel stupid.   Never mind the fact that in the last four storms I stood outside sweeping the drain because though he promised he never swept the stairs so leaves and dirt have gathered at the drain and blocked it.  Not only have I swept it, but I created a filter of sorts to try to prevent the gathering waters from invading my home, but tonight it was to no avail.  Mother nature out witted me and my daughter's soft sweet smell and feel snuggled up against me was to tempting. 

I do understand about knee-jerk reactions.  What I don't understand is why we need to find blame and attack the ones we supposedly love.  In his first two minutes home the mood in my house changed, and I find that unacceptable.  It really is true, if you don't have something nice....

An Epiphany of Sorts

Maybe "Epiphany" is a strong word, since it's not really a religious awakening but more of a personal spiritual one.  But since the purpose of this site is to chronicle the transformation of my spirit it does seem fitting to write about it here.

I don't want to build it up, but I finally understand something I've been obtuse about for a long time now.  I have always wondered why things bother me the way they do.  I am always angry, frustrated or confused about the people in my life.  I don't understand why they say the things they say, do the things they do and why what  seems to roll of others backs gets stuck and absorbed on mine. 

The other day I was talking with the man I'm involved with and he had this laundry list of things I've done, not done or said I would but didn't.  He was right about lots of stuff.  I did say I would fill our restaurant's vases and didn't.  I never found the time since I am with my kids literally all the day.  He also was correct about my inability to manage money.  How I live and spend has long since been a mystery to him.  He says he worries about me, and I believe him, but don't feel that he has the right to judge me for it.  I don't live a typical life, can't live a typical life, and keep wondering why I surround myself with people who place expectations on me that in my situation I can't meet.  Then they get angry at me and I allow the words used against me to cause me to doubt and feel less then.

So the epiphany.  I am deeply grieved and traumatized about my husband's death, and may never be able to do more than the basic things to get my girls and I through a day.  I moved into situations that had I not been dealing with his death would be a cake walk.  But I am dealing with his death.  I can't expend energy for a relationship that doesn't nourish my soul or my kids, I can't give of my time because the most important things are that my daughters and I find peace and have well being.  I don't have a strong back bone to deal with the disappointment my life seems to cause him and his family.  And I'm tired of the humiliation as they stand in judgment wondering why I don't work there, why I don't take his troubled kids full time, why I don't know what they want from me when they never tell me. 

None of these issues are anyone's fault but mine.  I see now that I've moved forward physically but not emotionally, not spiritually.  I am not healthy enough to deal with "normal" life.  If I don't take the time and do it now than when?  If I don't begin to search for wholeness for myself than how can I guide my girls into wholeness?  So everything else will have to wait.  Maybe I'll be able to bear responsibility again, maybe I won't.  But I will no longer open my self up to other's judgment.  Those who have no idea what this life feels like can keep their opinions to themselves.  As far as his laundry list, well as I told him if there are so many things "wrong" with what I do and how I do it clearly I'm not the right person for his life.  I'm OK with that too.  I love him and wouldn't want him to have to spend his life with someone who clearly can't do what he needs.  It will be a nice break to go a day without hearing what's wrong with me, when all that's wrong, the very core of the issues I have is the loss of my husband through terrorism, and these are mine.  The only people I think I'll allow in my life are those who understand and have grace for those parts of my life that aren't working yet.