There are some things about my health I've never posted about. The first thing a person has to know is that grief and trauma take a huge toll on the body, so if there are any underlying issues they will become not so underlying after a traumatic event. Grieving in and of itself can almost be an illness. It causes the body to hurt, drains energy, affects the adrenal system. For me, it's almost like Bi-Polar disease. One moment I'm flying, energized, taking care of everyone and happy to do so, the next I am paralyzed by sadness, unable to get up let alone take care of someones desire or need for say, dinner, or a clean towel. My belief, however flawed, has always been that my body has no happy medium, so I'm either going strictly on adrenaline and caffeine, or crashing from the adrenal rush. It's the fight or flight instinct on a daily basis. I believe it would be that way regardless of 9/11 because of biology, but 9/11 caused it to escalate. I also have a long list of physical ailments that I choose not to spend to much time talking about, because growing up all I can really remember about my mom is her talking daily to her friends about whatever new pain, illness, or disease she had. She spent more time going to and from doctors then any other activity I can recall. Even when she would come and see me there was always at least one trip to the Emergency Room. So I don't talk about what ails me. But things do, energy robbing physical things, that cause pain and make it impossible for me to do the things I used to take for granted. I have help cleaning the house, not because I don't want to but because I could never keep up with it otherwise. I keep my commitments down to a minimum, not because I don't long to be more involved at church or social activities, but because I have to have enough energy at the end of the school day to pick up my kids, drop off carpool, do homework with, feed, clean up after (yes, they have to help and I believe they should anyway) keep up with general day to day stuff. Some times other things are a luxury that I don't always get to enjoy.
Where am I going with this? Well....I haven't stopped. I need to stop. I need to be able to enjoy some of the amazing beauty in our world, talk to amazing people, and really importantly, be alone and still and quiet. Even our Lord needed time alone. God says Be still and know that I am God. I have not been listening to my body because so much has to be done all the time and I am alone in the doing. I fear stopping sometimes, because the mess that will be created simply by skipping a day or two will overwhelm me. I am already overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed with how bad I feel some days. I'm overwhelmed with how much work I need to do to make my home the way I need it to be, smooth and organized. I'm overwhelmed with emotions, all sorts, and feelings, that go up and down on any given day, to the point that simply feeling is exhausting. Yet deep down I long for joy. It's amazing to me that no matter what we go through, what we suffer, our spirits still desire joy, peace, life, the Giver of life. I do long to stop, take some pictures, buy a bouquet of Daisy's, watch a comedy and FEEL GOOD. Mostly I'm afraid. I'm afraid that if I don't, if I keep up the pace I am right now, I will forget to remember that life is a gift not a chore, that my daughters need me strong even if that means hearing "no", that by ignoring my physical needs and limitations I could one day have no choice but to live with nothing else but.