There are times when we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we need spiritual healing. I know that about myself right now. It is not about church, or rules, or "Christians", but about connecting with the Spirit of God and dealing with nothing else. I long for that.
I don't know why I slip so easily into the role of "Christian", and during those times He is not what I am focusing on. I'm focusing on how I look to the right people so I don't get in trouble again, if I'm saying the right things, appearing in a way that shouts "I am a good believer". Why is it, for me, the two don't go together. Being Christian is not about anything other than His love, so why can't I fight the other stuff, the stuff that has nothing to do with Him? The times I feel so in love with Him are the times when I've actually been away from my church for a bit. It is in those moments when I feel free enough to sing to Him, dance before Him, and not feel judged for how I look. I don't understand why I'm so self concerned at church. I caught myself this last week, singing loudly, moving from side to side as I sang about His love. I caught myself because I felt the eyes of those next to me on me. Like a teen caught making an ass of herself at a concert I stopped right in my tracks. It took all my strength not sing like that again. Should I care? Of course not, yet how uncomfortable I was to find an entire family starring at me!
I only need Him right now! Relationship. I know we all need fellowship and teaching and communal worship, so I'm not negating that. I'm saying for me, I need His Spirit touching mine, reminding me what this walk is truly about.