Today I lied, "I have a migraine, my loves", but what is hurting my head has no real term. There is no pill to fix it.
Today I pulled my wonderfully soft, down pillow over swollen eyes, and let the sent of Tide and Downey soothe my senses. I left behind the ancient, hard blue chairs where I would have sat watching, not hearing a word outside of my thoughts. What did he say, to whom did he say it? I would have searched fiercely the eyes of all who shook my hand, hugged me in a caricature of intimacy to see if they knew.
Today I let the humiliation and paranoia win. I will be my own prayer vigil today. I will be my own worship band, my own Bible lesson, my own building.
Today I will allow myself to crumble under judgment that is spoken aloud "in His love". I will shove my needs for the body under the well worn rug of "in His love", and give myself this day of deconstruction and humiliation, which were not intentional, just side benefits of "in His love".
I didn't go to church today.