I know one thing for sure, and that is I exist not knowing very much of anything. The frustration this knowledge brings makes me cringe, grip my face in my hands and scream. Because I'm not the kind of person who believes ignorance is bliss. I can't stand that I don't focus, commit myself to a single way of thinking of being, to "know". I change daily. What I think I know on Monday will be different on Tuesday. One day I think I know what to do to better serve my role as parent, the next everything I thought I was doing right ends up either not being right, thus causing endless self doubt, or I see the situation differently and change my mind. It's hard in life to always feel like I don't get what others seem to get so effortlessly.
It becomes scary when it starts to involve my spiritual life. I've been blessed in that I've sat at the feet of some of our great modern teachers. Equally as in love with God, equally preaching a righteous word, but not always in agreement. Which led me to believe that even among one group of people, who share a belief in a specific thing, there will be many differences. I know how obvious this sounds. How many denominations are there in Christianity? How many people who love the Lord with the same vigor believe totally different things? Who is right? Who is wrong? Even with scripture as the plumb line there can still be differences in fundamental beliefs. I've met folks who love God with all their heart, the same God I love, and believe that without baptism one is bound for Hell. I've met their counterparts who see baptism as an outward expression of our changed nature, obedience, but having nothing to do with a person landing in Hell. And I've heard both pull verses and believe that they had scriptural proof for their ideal. Everyone single person I've met believes themselves to be right.
I have a long, long list of things I do not know. I don't know how to be a widow. I don't know why I am a widow and my children fatherless. I don't know why I'm lonely one day and can't muster the energy to get together with a friend. I don't know why I allow Jessica to anger me when I am the mom and make the rules. I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know if my need for spirituality will lead me down a dangerous road, or if on my quest for spiritual wisdom I will be right where God wants me. I really don't know if every single person has to believe the exact same thing in order to have salvation. What about those beautiful souls who have changed the way they worship, but still worship? If everyone is supposed to believe the exact same thing, than are we never supposed to question? If so, then why did God place in us the need to question? Can I love God differently then you? I don't know how to reach my kids regarding their dad's death. I don't know what to do with my sadness. I don't know how to meet people who will accept me where I am without trying to change me. See....on and on and on it goes. Not everything I used to believe is what I believe still.
Maybe it's good to not know. It certainly opens doors that were closed while I was so sure I had the answers. It's certainly humbled me and caused me to love those who are different, when before I would have judged them for their differences.
But there are some real negatives. People never know what to make of me. Because I'm comfortable saying and doing things that someone who had really strong convictions wouldn't. I'm fine being in discovery mode and doing things differently. It's just that even with being comfortable, I long for the feeling of community that comes with aligning ones self with a group of like minded people. I don't have it in me to fake it, and so while I consider myself in discovery mode I also see myself as desperate at times. I have reached out to total strangers with the hope of finding someone who might actually understand where I'm coming from, or at least not assume that I'm wrong if I'm different.
I'm not sure how much sense this really makes. I've been thinking a lot about these things as I read all the wonderful blogs, get to know the hearts of the ones doing the writing. I find a part of myself in every site I frequent. I comment from the heart of my desire to make friends, connect, discover like minded and not like minded people who are open to friendships. I think when you have your life shaken up the way I did at the age I did it makes you question, questioning makes you seem young/immature, and not the same person that those who loved you thought you were, so you end up having to start over. So maybe that's it, maybe spiritually, emotionally, I'm back at a place where I was when I was first discovering myself a little more. It can just be a little lonely.