Spiritside

Love

I am not Catholic, yet I love the idea of confession.  In my religion of choice, we have times of confession, times in prayer when we acknowledge the wrongs and ask for the grace we don't really deserve.  There is also the practice of accountability, when, in essence, I answer to another trusted person for things that I struggle with.  The idea is not to have someone beat me up but someone to walk through the struggle with.  These are the practices that are taught at my church, a Bible church here in Northern Virginia. 

I have always believed the idea of confession as a type of purging and cleansing.  It is important no matter what we believe spiritually to have morals, to not break the law, but only God knows the things that are truly mine and are different from the basics.  And even the basics seem to be getting more watered down as time goes on.  Yes, I believe in the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit.  But I've seen those who do also and yet cheat on their spouses as though it's no big deal.  I see religious and non-religious people alike forget the Golden Rule.  You know, the one that says "treat others the way you would like to be treated".  I see compromises left and right, even in myself, and I think when did I deviate so much from what I believe?  Then I stop and think about the last time I confessed these things, the big and little, to my Savior, and allowed Him to wash me clean.  When I keep in this practice I remember how I want to live, because when I bow in prayer ashamed of my actions I keep those actions in the fore of my mind instead of buried in the back.  I face the dirt on my feet and am humbled that Jesus would lower His posture to wash them.  When I'm not confessing regularly, I can pretend that there is no dirt or forget that everyday new dirt accumulates.  Most importantly, I am reminded that He knows me and my dirt whether I confess it or not, and that He loves me regardless.  This is the point I wish everyone understood.  Yes, I am "Christian", but not everyone  is.  Yet God's love transcends that.  We are facing a diluting of plain old traditional values, even in His Church, yet He is love.  He is love and He is grace and He is all that is good and mysterious and created.  It's true, I love God because He first loved me, but love Him I do, and long for a closer walk, even if it means stopping a bit every day to apologize for those things He knows about anyway.  Sometimes I wish we didn't complicate it all so much, and could just allow His love to be our focus.  It fills in all the gaps, all the anger, all the disease, pain, mental illness, wrongs done, wrongs suffered.  It takes time but it does.  And I really am sad at times for the decline I see in personal values.  Things are accepted these days that don't make any sense.  I'm not making moral judgments, or talking about people who struggle with drugs, sex, whatever, but this luke warmness about integrity.  I want to have integrity in my life.  I want to be a faithful wife because I believe in the vows I took, a selfless mother because I believe at my core that is my purpose in my life.  I want to be uncomfortable cheating on my taxes for an extra few hundred bucks or getting my teen into a movie as a child for the sake of a dollar.  I don't want to bend the truth just a little.  My fear is once these things become OK bigger things, bigger sacrifices of integrity, become acceptable.

Rude Awakening...

The differences between this world, and the one I sometimes forget is out there hit home with a very hard SMACK yesterday.  We just returned from New York, where we took my daughter to the American Girl Place for an amazing birthday.  She turned ten, and we were an hour away for a wedding, so off we went.   Her attitude was very humble, and she didn't ask for or accept anything once we hit "the limit", even though we may very well never go there again and being the person I am I tried.  She was so thankful to be able to have a little party in the cafe, cake and all, that she was the perfect child.  The next day we saw Lion King on Broadway.  Spectacular!

When we came home, however, there on the counter, with all our mail, was a notice regarding our sponsored child's birthday.  Inside was a paper crown, which we send in to give the message that this person's life is more precious than any gem.  If we choose, we can add to our donation, thus allowing our child to have some kind of celebration, and maybe even balloons.  I don't feel guilty for being born in the U.S., and with Lenny's death I certainly don't feel guilty for giving both my girls birthdays and experiences that will bless their lives.  What I felt though, was humbled.  Humbled by forgetting about those who have so much less, simply because they were born somewhere else, or born here but have difficult circumstances.  Humbled because as I go through this life I forget that this really is a fools paradise, and that I am destined for a real paradise.  Tania's crown, which Colette filled out right away, I mean the second she saw it, reminded both of us that we too are more precious than gems, and that with all the goodies the weekend brought, our true treasure lies elsewhere.  She and I together made a pact never to forget that.

Time

It's been so very long since I posted here.  I've posted at my other site, but perhaps I feel the need to say something worthy and deep I've kept my posting limited to a place where I don't worry if I sound silly or if parts of my personality surface that normally cause me shame.  The fact that the last month has been CRAZY doesn't help either, since "me" time is harder to come by with my darlings home from school.  We've seen movies, shopped, had ping-pong tournaments, gone to the pool, shopped some more, watched movies in the basement till all hours.....mostly it's the time.  Someone wants mine, and doesn't want it divided with other things like computer work or even conversations with others in the same house! 

I discovered how much I miss reading God's Word.  Of course we've been going to church, although some days I think Jess worries so much about it because of her "boyfriend", but I mean my daily time, when the house is quiet and I just open to a random place.  The time for structured study will come this fall, but summer is when I float, reading from the blogs, the Bible, praying on my own.  It's a different time in my relationship with Christ, and it's not based on anything but my time with Him.  I like it.

There are no huge discoveries as I plod along this way.  Well, actually the fact that summer will be over all too soon and my time with my girls will go back to the structured way of the school year, but I've known that even if I hadn't acknowledged it.  In late May I laid out a plan of what I wanted to do and when, and here we are at the end of June, approaching  July 4, and I haven't even made the arrangements let alone done all my little adventures.  But for right this moment, all I want to do is bask in Him.  I want to enjoy my quiet house, talk to Him, and enjoy His presence, even if it's just for a few short moments.

I constantly pray for you all, and would love to hear how your summers are going!

a journal entry

"If I could live anywhere in time I would go to the time of Jesus.  I would listen to Him preach.  I would get baptized.  I would praise Him and love Him.  You never know, I might turn into one of His diciples!  I would also like to improve my faith, so listening to Jesus would be a great thing.  I also want to see Bibles back then.  I would love it."

It's so simple when you see it from a child's perspective, isn't it?

Spiritual Need

There are times when we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we need spiritual healing.  I know that about myself right now.  It is not about church, or rules, or "Christians", but about connecting with the Spirit of God and dealing with nothing else.  I long for that. 

I don't know why I slip so easily into the role of "Christian", and during those times He is not what I am focusing on.  I'm focusing on how I look to the right people so I don't get in trouble again, if I'm saying the right things, appearing in a way that shouts "I am a good believer".  Why is it, for me, the two don't go together.  Being Christian is not about anything other than His love, so why can't I fight the other stuff, the stuff that has nothing to do with Him?  The times I feel so in love with Him are the times when I've actually been away from my church for a bit.  It is in those moments when I feel free enough to sing to Him, dance before Him, and not feel judged for how I look.  I don't understand why I'm so self concerned at church.  I caught myself this last week, singing loudly, moving from side to side as I sang about His love.  I caught myself because I felt the eyes of those next to me on me.  Like a teen caught making an ass of herself at a concert I stopped right in my tracks.  It took all my strength not sing like that again.  Should I care?  Of course not, yet how uncomfortable I was to find an entire family starring at me! 

I only need Him right now!  Relationship.  I know we all need fellowship and teaching and communal worship, so I'm not negating that.  I'm saying for me, I need His Spirit touching mine, reminding me what this walk is truly about.

Truth

Thoughts inspired by a loving soul who is braver than anyone I know. 

If you knew the truth, would you still love me?  If you knew the thoughts that are in my head? 

If I said I didn't know what I believed, would I still be welcome?  If I didn't go to Bible study, or church suppers, would I still be the same person in your eyes?

If you knew that I lived "in sin" before I was married, and didn't consider it "sin", would I suddenly become "not the person you thought I was"? 

Do you see me?  The real me, the one who listens to secular music as well as hymns, the one who loves the Bible and yet reads "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"?  I am both of these people.  I love "Rent", even took my daughter to see it to raise her awareness.  Would you judge me because I am not afraid of what is in the world?  Is it wrong to acknowledge that those with different sexual orientations may love The Father The Son The Holy Ghost as much as those who sit in the pew next to me? 

Does going to the "right" church make it OK to say whatever you want about whom ever you want?  Does standing with a large group in your beliefs mean that you are right?  Can two or three standing in their beliefs be just as right?  Is there room for all of what has happened in this world since it's inception, created by a mighty hand, to find love? 

God loves the gay.  God loves the straight.  God loves the drug addict, gambler, over spender, under tither, the weak, the strong, the unwed mother, the abusive father, the man woman child who have yet to even hear of Him.  How far do we go to spread the word?  Why would you stand there, saying those things against your brother or sister, when if you really love God that much, so much that you are offended by his or her questions, you aren't out on the field, reaching those who don't have the luxury of Christian T.V, Christian radio, church?  If we put our money where are mouths are do we come up broke?  Is it so easy to see Aids as punishment from God, terrorist attacks as His judgment, hurricanes as His way of getting our attention?  Do we remember what He sacrificed?  Does One who loves that sacrificially long to punish those He sacrificed for?  How easy it is to hate the "different" when you see yourself as "right".  Is there just one way to love Him, only one sort in many forms?  I pray God forgives us for what we decide is His will, His view, His way.  His ways are perfect.

The problem, it seems, is not that God's love is flawed, but that ours is.

Stopping to smell the roses, er, grass

There are some things about my health I've never posted about.  The first thing a person has to know is that grief and trauma take a huge toll on the body, so if there are any underlying issues they will become not so underlying after a traumatic event.  Grieving in and of itself can almost be an illness.  It causes the body to hurt, drains energy, affects the adrenal system.  For me, it's almost like Bi-Polar disease.  One moment I'm flying, energized, taking care of everyone and happy to do so, the next I am paralyzed by sadness, unable to get up let alone take care of someones desire or need for say, dinner, or a clean towel.  My belief, however flawed, has always been that my body has no happy medium, so I'm either going strictly on adrenaline and caffeine, or crashing from the adrenal rush.  It's the fight or flight instinct on a daily basis.  I believe it would be that way regardless of 9/11 because of biology, but 9/11 caused it to escalate.  I also have a long list of physical ailments that I choose not to spend to  much time talking about, because growing up all I can really remember about my mom is her talking daily to her friends about whatever new pain, illness, or disease she had.  She spent more time going to and from doctors then any other activity I can recall.  Even when she would come and see me there was always at least one trip to the Emergency Room.  So I don't talk about what ails me.  But things do, energy robbing physical things, that cause pain and make it impossible for me to do the things I used to take for granted.  I have help cleaning the house, not because I don't want to but because I could never keep up with it otherwise.  I keep my commitments down to a minimum, not because I don't long to be more involved at church or social activities, but because I have to have enough energy at the end of the school day to pick up my kids, drop off carpool, do homework with, feed, clean up after (yes, they have to help and I believe they should anyway) keep up with general day to day stuff.  Some times other things are a luxury that I don't always get to enjoy.

Where am I going with this?  Well....I haven't stopped.  I need to stop.  I need to be able to enjoy some of the amazing beauty in our world, talk to amazing people, and really importantly, be alone and still and quiet.  Even our Lord needed time alone.  God says Be still and know that I am God.  I have not been listening to my body because so much has to be done all the time and I am alone in the doing.  I fear stopping sometimes, because the mess that will be created simply by skipping a day or two will overwhelm me.  I am already overwhelmed.  I'm overwhelmed with how bad I feel some days.  I'm overwhelmed with how much work I need to do to make my home the way I need it to be, smooth and organized.  I'm overwhelmed with emotions, all sorts, and feelings, that go up and down on any given day, to the point that simply feeling is exhausting.  Yet deep down I long for joy.  It's amazing to me that no matter what we go through, what we suffer, our spirits still desire joy, peace, life, the Giver of life.  I do long to stop, take some pictures, buy a bouquet of Daisy's, watch a comedy and FEEL GOOD.  Mostly I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that if I don't, if I keep up the pace I am right now, I will forget to remember that life is a gift not a chore, that my daughters need me strong even if that means hearing "no", that by ignoring my physical needs and limitations I could one day have no choice but to live with nothing else but.

so it's been awhile....

Kids and I have been sick.  You know what that's like, they need you but you feel so crappy that getting to them takes all the energy you don't have, and then you pass out cold for ten minutes until they need you again.  And on it goes until at last someone feels well enough to go to school.  Yea!  Today is that day.  Not one, but two children in school, and me on the cusp of an event that hasn't happened since biological warfare entered our home, a shower with no interruptions, and a MOVIE!!!  Yep, as soon as I finish here I'm off to a movie, to sit in the quiet darkness, cool and in good company, to loose myself for approximately 99 minutes.

However, first I must post.  And the thoughts that run through my head lately are of the "mysteries of God" sort.  And, sadly, the "where is the love of God" sort as well.  I miss Him.  I mean that in the sense that lately I've heard so much about how to be a Christian, and so little about His love.  I am not putting down church, and I adore ours and the people.  But I see people become so focused on rules that the grace of God sort of gets lost in the mix.  Though I am in the middle of doing a sort of series regarding this topic, I will touch on it briefly for a moment.  I do not believe that when I am living from my heart I am outside the will of God.  I do not think I'm a good person outside the of  Holy Spirit, but I do not see dying to self the way many of my peers do.  There are a lot of phrases, words and thoughts from God's word that I have heard teaching on that cause me to question, and I don't believe it's wrong to question.  I have a dear friend who comes from a life of such sin when God rescued her she was overwhelmed with gratitude.  In that gratitude she set up a list of rules that no one could live up to.  She needed this for herself to make herself feel like she was living right.  Once she believed though she had done everything that needed to be done.  I'm not talking about continuing a life of sin while proclaiming salvation, I'm talking about remembering those verses that teach us that it is by grace alone we are saved, so that no man can boast.  I'm fatigued of teachings that detract from this point.  I'm saddened by those who tell me I'm wrong because I question, because I want to have a relationship with God that isn't based on a rule list but our hearts.  His and mine.  I don't believe my heart is a wicked thing because I have given it to Him.  He created it.  I don't turn away from my heart's desires because I believe He placed them there.  I don't desire to live a sinful life because His Holy Spirit is right there, letting me know when I've gossiped, when I've lusted and when I've strayed from Him.  I'm not claiming perfection, I'm not claiming sinlessness, I'm claiming Him.  I'm claiming the new person I am because of Him, and the forgiveness and righteousness I have in Him.  That, in all it's mystery, is why I embrace myself.   Yes, I sin, but I am forgiven.  He created me, loves me, lives in me.  I guess I feel my job is to let Him.  I don't know if there is some grand will for me, for everyone.  That is one of those questions I'm enjoying seeking out.  I do know that it is His will for all to be saved, and maybe that's enough.  At least for now, maybe just living out my salvation is His only will for me, and whatever else comes from that He will use the way He sees fit. 

Back to the love point.  I wonder if we're missing something.  We sit at church Sunday after Sunday, serve, tithe, sing.  But when we're looking around and wondering if that person is really giving a full ten percent, or if that person really believes the way I do, or hearing from the pulpit how we are supposed to live, I wonder if we're remembering that God's love is bigger than any of this.  Am I?  His love is bigger, His act of Salvation was done because we can't earn our way to Him, we can't give enough, live right enough, love enough.  Everything He did was because He loves us, and will love us even in our ugliest hours.  I can live by a set of rules and never appear to the outside world to be the mess that I truly am, but I'd rather use that mess to say "look, look at how screwed up I am and yet He loves me.". 

Well I've read this, and it is across the board.  I'm sure the number of hours I've been deprived of sleep, coupled with the number of NyQuil's I've taken have something to do with that.  But I don't care.  These are the true thoughts on my heart, so I shall publish away....

The White Elephant, or Justice is His

Just so there are no weird moments for anyone, I'd like to say that I know and understand the reasons Moussoui was not sentenced to death.  I am ok with the outcome.  Many have asked me if I wanted him put to death, and my truthful anwer is some days.  However, his fate was left to the jury, as is our system here, and I wouldn't want to live anywhere but here.  His defiance and joy at the loss of so many innocents was not the first I've seen, and justice does belong to God.  I've dealt, or am dealing, with this daily, and my daughters and I are ok.  People have joked about it, we're still ok.  People say things out of love that couldn't be more wrong, we're still ok.  The news has yet to go a day without mentioning it, we're still ok.  Hollywood made a movie about it, and yes, we're still ok.  Though we are not immune to it, and like it or not even people in our lives have hurt us with it, 9/11 is a part of our story, and we are learning to live with it. 

We have love.  Love for God, love for each other and a love remembered that time and pain cannot diminish, so ya, we're ok.  Had the jury decided to end his life, we still would not have our Lenny back.  And though he showed such a lack of respect for his victims, and though he sees himself the winner for having his life spared, I take comfort in the pomises of God.  Even if he gets to live, he will be spending twenty four hours a day alone, and I gotta say, I'd almost prefer death to the kind of life he'll be living. 

So there.  It's out on the table, not hiding in the middle of the living room!  Now I am going to get ready for dinner, and relish every minute I have left to enjoy my girls.  That's something no one can take away from me.

An Observation

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say that when I'm hurting I turn to the book of Psalms.  I learned a long time ago that life is not always pretty, and clearly, in His grace, God provided a way to show us how even a man after His own heart prayed during those times.  I just have to add here how I'd love to be known as "a person after God's own heart".

I've made no secret of the fact that certain things have happened lately, both in my real world as well as my cyber world that have been painful.  I don't blame anyone, I'm a big girl and have made lots of mistakes, but OUCH!  So as I sought those versus to remind me that God is here with me in these times, I had a light bulb moment.  (Corry, I give you permission to remind me of what I'm about to right when I start whining!)  Every time I read about "the wicked prospering" I read after how it is God who deals with that and my job to "trust in the Lord and do good", Psalm 37:3.  Over and over, as David shares the fear and pain he is feeling he is reminded how he is required to continue in faith and not fret, not allowing those who sought to cause him harm either give him an excuse to sin, especially in the form of seeking his own justice, or rob him of the fact that his joy, his provision is in the Lord alone.  It didn't mean that David didn't feel the pain of betrayal or the fear of what his enemies had planned for him.  We are allowed to feel.  We are allowed to fear.  It's how we handle those emotions that can either rob us of our joy or strengthen our faith.  Pain, betrayal, deliberately aimed attacks are going to hurt.  Loss and the pain that goes along with it are a huge part of my story.  The fallenness of our world dictates that even brother will turn against brother, and those are very painful wounds.  The dictate to trust and continue in good works is very clear. 

I've struggled with time.  Time spent worrying, time spent in anger, frustration, fretting.  We may be eternal beings, but until we reach Heaven we are governed by the laws of life here, and we cannot get time back.  I'd rather spend mine trusting God than fretting over evil doers.